Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hungry and hollow

The night van Gogh let go.
These... "plans" we have, they are never truly born. They're simply evolved from other failed plans, other scarring mistakes, other lessons that are still - and quite stubbornly - unlearned. So many people worry about the script and where they fit in it they become obsessed with how their movie is going to end. And that's fine. But a few very rare people have already seen the end of our movie. And that's okay with us. Because that some of us live in trilogies. Because for us, the end of the movie is really the beginning of the saga. Where the second part gets even darker. And the third one amplifies the triumph.

So the real wonderment is not what your ending is; It's asking yourself what you're going to do when all of your plans culminate in to one, colossal, life-altering proposition when its offered to you while fate's back is turned. Will you shrink into the corner of your life? Or will you take it and make as much noise as possible?

Well, the back way is always quieter.

But it's an exit all the same.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

There's a weird bird in all of us.

Setting: Spring, 2004, my house. My 10-year old sister calls my name from the kitchen while I'm in my room cleaning my desk.

[from far away, a little girls' voice] "Neeeeeeeeeiiil!"


"Come here!!!!"

[I walk to the kitchen and over to the bay windows] What is it, Lindsey.

"Lookit. Those two birds are fighting."


"Right there. By the pool, on the slide."


"Why are they fighting like that?"

*blinks* Well...

[She looks up at me, awaiting an answer]

Well those doves are fighting in that particular way because they like each other.

[twists face] "Because they like each other!?"

Eeyeah. It's a good fight.

"They've been fighting forever just now. What happens when one wins?"

Well, they both kind of...win in that fight.

[makes a face] "Birds are weird."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Annoying Types of Drivers

People Who Are Scared To Death Of Concrete Barriers
Sometimes, when freeway planners don't have a lot of faith in the driving skills of ordinary citizens (which is completely reasonable), they put up concrete barriers to keep drunk and stupid people from driving into oncoming traffic or off a cliff.

And that's fine; Knowing your limitations is a good thing, as anyone who has watches American Idol can tell you. But the sensible thing to do would be to get out of the scary lane, instead of constantly hitting your brakes in terror and veering so far to the right that your car has half changed lanes anyway.

Why do these people do this? Apparently it's really important for them to stay in the "fast lane" despite their pants-shitting fear of the barrier causing them to slow down so much they would probably be going faster in the next lane to the right anyway. Or maybe they're just too scared to think of what to do.

Listen, barrier-phobic people, it's okay to move over. The concrete barrier can't smell fear. It's not going to chase you.

People Who Think Bicycles Are Massive Vehicles

The literal mirror image of those people are people who are terrified of bicyclists. Whenever they come across a single bicyclist riding on the right side of the road, they give the bike the berth that most people would normally give a bus, or in some cases, a Galaxy-class starship Enterprise.

And let me just say that bicyclists do really appreciate the fact that you care about not running them over. And that's very sweet. But bikes are as wide as... people. When there's a bike lane, in particular, the bike lane is plenty big enough to contain the bike or three, and the car lane is just fine to fit your car, so all you have to do is stay in that car lane, as opposed to veering into oncoming traffic or slowing down and driving behind the bike the whole way home.

I know sometimes there's no bike lane and the road is narrow, and sometimes there's inconsiderate bicyclists that don't stay to the right, but throwing out those cases, there's plenty of times the bike is safely contained in a big fat shoulder or bike lane, and all this driver can see is apparently some kind of whale rolling sideways down the side of the road.

People Who Pass You For No Actual Advantage

There's a lot of people out there who will be very rude or dangerous about passing you, we all know about that, but in most cases they're gaining something, at least according to their priorities. They're passing you to get into an open lane where they can go ahead and keep driving 120 mph, so that they can die faster.

But what if there's clearly already a red light 200 yards in front of you? Why would someone pass you just to get to the red light faster? Do they enjoy waiting at red lights? Apparently so, because this happens way more than it should.

Or if there's a slow car, of course people want to pass. But say you're going slowly only because the car in front of you is going slowly. You would pass that sleepy old man but there's no room to pass in the other lane. Then Mr. Speed Demon comes up behind you and starts tailgating you like it's your fault you're going so slow.

Apparently convinced it would be smooth sailing if he could just get around you, he zips around you and settles in neatly right behind the actual slow car. What the fuck, buddy? What did that gain you except spending some extra gas and giving someone who now hates you a good chance to memorize your license plate?

That's right, pal. You better watch it because if I see you again on the road, I am going to quietly not think very highly of you.

People Who Let EVERYBODY In

A lot of times we bemoan the lack of civility on our roads, but sometimes an overdose of civility can be an equally annoying pain in the ass. When you merge onto a freeway or something, you are supposed to merge like a zipper, one car from either side, alternating.

Sometimes one soft-hearted driver will let one car in, and then, oh no! There's another car there. Well how did you get there, little fella? You can come in too! Oh, wait, there's another car behind him! Imagine that! Well, you get yourself in there too. After a while, you can actually see it dawn on them after a while that the stream of cars merging in is actually infinite, and after a couple moments pussyfooting forward hesitantly as they fit these new observations into their worldview, they will drift shamefully forward and free up traffic.

A similar problem can be seen at stop signs, where some people completely ignore the actual, universal laws about who gets to go first and treat it like some kind of exercise in "after you" chivalry. Instead of making things faster, this actually confuses the other person and often sends them into a stop sign standoff, as shown below:

This repeats until both cars run into each other.

People Who Camp Parking Spots

These people have apparently reserved a parking space with a credit card somehow, because they stubbornly camp out spaces where the occupants obviously aren't going to be leaving in the next couple of minutes, as they pack their month's worth of Costco groceries away or disassemble their extremely complex baby-carrying apparatus and pack it in the car.

The worst thing is if they pre-position themselves in the middle of the aisle, at an angle, to most easily turn into the parking space, oblivious to the fact this blocks traffic in both directions. "Fuck this shit," you will probably think, "I'm backing out." But then when you look behind you, a line of other drivers drawn into this horrible nightmare has appeared, completely blocking you in.

And then if you turn to the inconsiderate nexus of this whole clusterfuck, sitting there with their blinker on, and express some kind of impatience, they'll just turn to you with a, "I know! What can I do?" kind of look and shrug at the people who aren't leaving, like this is their responsibility. Yeah, sure, it's not the fault of the dumbfuck sitting in the middle of the aisle, turned 45 degrees with his blinker on, because that space is obviously his destiny. Looking for another space could completely alter the course of history and destroy life as we know it.

Or maybe he would just have to walk 15 more seconds to get to the store entrance. Either way the consequences are just unthinkable.

People Who hang Out In Your Blind Spot

If you are a responsible driver, you know there are "blind spots" around your car that you can't see using your mirrors, and that it's bad for another vehicle to be in them, at least if you consider it bad to be completely unaware of a one ton machine going 70 mph right next to your car.

Sometimes someone drifts into your blind spot, which is not a problem. You just speed up or slow down to get them out of it. But some drivers, for some inexplicable reason, insist on staying in your blind spot. You speed up, they speed up. You slow down, they slow down. What the hell is going on here?

Speeding up might be explained by typical chest-thumping driver competitiveness, but slowing down? That's just weird. One possible explanation is that they're just not paying attention and unconsciously tend to match speed with the nearest car. For those who prefer more paranoid explanations, it could be one of them crooks who stages accidents for the insurance money.

How to tell which is which? I suggest pointing a gun at the other driver. If they react to it, they were clearly paying attention to you and therefore must be an insurance crook.

Slow Drivers In Denial

Most slow drivers are pretty oblivious, but a few of them are in active, aggressive denial. If you should pass them, as you normally would to a slow driver, they suddenly wake up, become incensed, and speed up, as if to say, "Hey! I'm not a slow driver! Who says I am!" They may have just drifted off for a bit, they seem to be saying, but how dare you judge them by that speed they were going. That's not their real speed. They're really a fast driver, you just caught them at a bad moment.

Of course, 30 seconds later, after you reluctantly settle back in behind them, they are back to crawling along like a tortoise. And do you dare pass them again? They are clearly fucking sensitive about this. You don't want to start a road rage thing here. Hell, they might be one of those crazy people that keeps a gun in their car.

People Who Time It Just Right So You Miss the Green Light
Just fuck you.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Anam cara

Right now. You're sitting down. And perhaps a few of you are standing up. You have your eyes looking at a piece of glass that emits light and images for your to process and understand.




You just read three letters. And you didn't even really read them; you just saw them and recognized them and continued down to the next mass of words. And that's just you.

Somewhere, outside of your window, on the other side of your door, under the same sky you look up into, someone, right now, this very second you read this bolded word, two people are having the best and wildest sex of their life. Someone is tied up to two bed posts and sweating and breathing and moaning in time with someone whose muscles are tightening and clenching every second. Right now. This second. Promise.

Somewhere in the world right now, someone right now is having the best day of their life. A woman just obtained a large sum of money and got a promotion and their kids won an award while their husband bought them a new car.

Right now, a boy is coming home from falling in love with a girl and is smiling just thinking about her. He can't forget her scent. He will not do his homework tonight, and for the first time in his life he's worrying about what he's going go to wear tomorrow. That could be happening on the other side of your block right now.

Right now someone is starting a diet. And someone else is giving theirs up.

This exact moment that you're sitting safe in your chair at home with your music on, somewhere in the world there's a girl getting raped by a man she doesn't know. And she will probably be killed in about ten minutes. Her body will be stashed away by some demented means and she won't be found for some time. This could be happening in India. This could be happening in Africa. This could be happening across your street. My street.

Somewhere at this very moment that I made you aware of your blinking, two kids are fighting and bleeding. Somewhere else a couple is laying in a park on a blanket smiling, secretly thinking about marriage but not telling the other. A band is breaking up and yelling at the lead singer. Elsewhere, a man is at a table with a pen and paper in hand, writing three verses, a chorus and a bridge to a song that you will hear on the radio and be singing in a few months.

A baby was just born. A mother is smiling through tears from nine months pain and unfathomable agony and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. A baby has just died. A teenage girl will be walking out of a clinic with her head down in about half an hour and will never forget this moment - the same moment that you read my blog- for the rest of her life.

It's a rookie's first time flying a plane. Someone just got fired. Another is retiring. Millions of people are praying this instant. A homeless man needs money. A woman needs her hair to come out right. A girl wants a pair of shoes to be one sale. A man would like nothing more than to have the woman he met last night call. And he's waiting by his phone right now.

By the time you've finished reading this entry...

...the s/m couple just had the best orgasm they've ever had. And one of them is smoking a cigarette.

...the married couple is getting ready to go out somewhere expensive. But the husband has already reserved a table as a surprise.

...the boy is still smiling.

...that girl is dead right now. The man is standing up, suddenly frightened at himself and what he's done. In a few minutes, pure panic will set in. In a few weeks, he will be behind bars and sentenced to life in prison.

...the baby is a boy. The girl aborted a girl.

And you sat here and read words. What will go on unnoticed around you after you're done reading this?

Someone could be writing writing about you right now.