Sunday, December 15, 2013

"To the girl who has replaced me..."

"To the girl who has replaced me... 

"There are a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of your guy's affection.

"First of all, don't be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don't be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you're just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you say. He can easily pick out a dissimilar tone in your voice and he'll try in every way to make you smile, and if you don't, he'll become upset if you refuse to tell him what's wrong.

"He hurts easily, especially by the painful words or actions a careless girl will say or do. If you do hurt him, then you'll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his gorgeous, deep-brown eyes, and watching the light in them fade. You'll also have to hear the sharp tone and possible crack in his voice, because he, unlike most guys, cares enough about you that he just may try to hide his hurt. If this happens, all is not lost-- a kiss, an "I'm sorry" and an "I love you" can heal almost anything. And please, don't say "I love you" to him, unless you honestly mean it. Nothing hurts him more than someone who really doesn't care.

"Most of the time, he won't tell you what he is feeling, but… just know that he's protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn't right, just look into his amazing eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn't right with him. He won't ever try to hurt you, because he just isn't that way, so please, don't hurt him, because if you do, I don't think I could ever forgive you. I don't think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the guy that I love and knowing that you hurt him.

"You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, make sure to pick only the ones that are worth fighting for; he will almost always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling. He likes a small fight every now and then-- he likes to watch your face light up in frustration, because he knows that the second he plants a kiss on your lips, nothing about the argument will matter anymore. He may become slightly jealous when you mention other guys, but don't mistake that to be controlling or overbearing-- he just worries that you may leave him for somebody "better than him" (although we both know that there is nobody "better than him").

"Though he may act mature 99.9% of the time, you'll find that once he's given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile in a way that words just can't explain. Don't hold a tight grip on him; let him be a part of the world so he can experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and he is very much independent. Sometimes, he'll need his space, especially when he has things to think about, but don't worry-- he'll always make time for you and even when you're not around, you'll be in his thoughts. And you must be patient when he takes his time to think, but just know that he'll always come back to you when he's ready.

"He may become impatient at times-- waiting has never been his best forte. You will find that he isn't like any other guy that you have met, so please don't take him for granted. When it comes to his money, don't take advantage of that, because he will be so unselfish with it-- that's just the way he is.

"Remember, he likes brunettes over blondes, pizza or cereal will always win over steak or burgers, Everclear will always be his favorite band, he is able to recite every line from almost every song from the 1990s, and even though he won't admit it, he really does like to be surprised. He is less tough than he may appear-- you just have to take the time to let him bring down his guard. He is so sweet and so amazing, and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart as I sit here writing this to you.

"Don't ever try to pull him away from his dreams-- he is going to be an extremely successful musician and teacher, and he won't ever let you give up on your dreams, either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and he will never, ever let you down.

"He likes it when you kiss his neck and nothing is better than just being with him. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his, and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the only girl he loves, you will know that there isn't any guy in the world better than him.

"Don't ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time…

"I promise, you will."

- Lindsey B., November 29, 2006

Monday, November 4, 2013

Flanked by the world

After three kids, my friend (in green) scheduled a vasectomy and expressed his concerns about it. Not the physical aspect, but the principle of no longer being able to have more kids. I (in red) attempted to instill a logical angle on the dilemma. His wife (in orange) chimed in.

Where are you. I need you for things like this. I feel alone again.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


One day it'll happen.

You'll be standing in line. And you'll see a baby. Just there. Over his mom's shoulder. Quiet. Staring at you with blue eyes. You'll smile at it and think about how cute it is. And something deep inside you won't... immediately dismiss the sentiment of maybe - just maybe - one day becoming a mother.

And over the following weeks, months, and years, you'll start to feel the urge to want to know what it's like to truly have something of your own. Something created inside of you. To experience sharing life with something that can learn from you, 24/7. Grow up next to you. Depend on you. And, later, thank you for all you've done, as you do with your own mother. You'll start thinking about settling down, committing, and finally letting go of that glacier of cynicism that had once poisoned your emotional progress.

And whatever guy you're with at that time will reap all the benefits of your maturing, softening heart. Of your growth. Of your eventual retrospect. Of your wiser philosophies and calmer, pastoral outlook on life. He won't be any different from other guys. He won't possess anything you haven't seen before. And he certainly will not have been there through your darkest hours, your most difficult nights, or your most outrageous and unfair moments. He will not have earned you in any way other than simply coming into the general vicinity of your life after you're all fixed up, shiny and better.

He will enjoy the heat of your fire without ever having to build the pile, or spark the flame himself.

He'll just... be around at the right time.

One day, it'll happen.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

'Cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out.

No one is going to save you. 

No one has the time to really care about you. Prayers will not fix your problems. 
Another person won't make you feel whole. Very few people have the time to act like friends, and most people secretly want you to fail. They all talk behind your back. Nobody can truly catch you. Everyone is busy. The world, by and large, doesn't give a damn about you. You are on your own. There is no backup. There are no mulligans. There are no reinforcements coming. 

You just have to get fed up, pissed off, and take it all out on Life, hell-bent on revenge for everything that it's taken from you, wrestle it to the ground, and step on it's throat on your way up.

The real world doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe it any mercy.

Kill it. Kill it to live on.

Monday, September 2, 2013


"You made me confident in myself that it's okay to be me. You gave me hope. Hope that there are good people out there. Hope in life and love and good things. You wrapped it up in a pretty package with a shiny ribbon on it and... I ignored it. I abused it, neglected it. I refused it. I refused to see it. And you just... wrapped it up again and made it glow. You made me see it. That's something... no one else has ever done.

"So... thank you for that."

Hashtag, ditto...

Thursday, August 22, 2013


I don't dream so much as I begrudgingly become a slave to memories. My reality has yet to surpass the nostalgia of my recent experiences... no matter how painful they ultimately became.

So I fight the urge to sleep the same way a hero in a book scrambles across a tipping trap floor, looking for anything to grasp, as the world tilts him into the abyss below. To fall asleep means to lose control of the mind, and where my mind goes is a place that reminds me of all the perfect moments I am no longer privy to.

 This is not insomnia.

It's survival.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

You're guiltless and free; I hope you take a piece of me with you.

“I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse.”