Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fake Faith and Fate

A question that bothers me sometimes is when people ask me if I believe in fate. Yes, yes I do. But I don't think it always applies. It only exists when it's convenient and the event fits.

For instance. Say you're driving to school and you almost hit a man you know as he's walking in the crosswalk. A few minutes later down the road, you see a horrible accident in front of you. Had that man not stepped onto the road in front of you making you stop your car to a screeching halt and thereby stalling you a half dozen seconds, this current pile of twisted metal and smoke could be you.

Now say instead of seeing an accident you arrived at school safely, books in hand. That man's premature stride into the intersection becomes trivial and inconsequential; just a jerk who wasn't paying attention. Now let's go back to accident that you avoided by scant seconds. Was it the man that caused your existence to resume? Or was it you waking up just a little bit slower than normal after the alarm clock went off this morning? Or that you couldn't find your keys for a few extra seconds before you left? Or maybe you didn't do anything out of the ordinary at all. Maybe the person who got into the accident simply... beat you to it. Maybe they hit a then-lucky string of green lights. Maybe they were trying a shortcut that day. Maybe they were Asian. What would you attribute the "fate" to? Where exactly did it step in? Maybe it's fate that you're reading this. Perhaps. Depends on what led you here and what happens to you afterward, doesn't it? That is, if you even decide to add this entry into your equation. When fate occurs is a relative opinion; it's existence, however, is as tangible as faith and love and hope: It's as real as you want it to be.

Fate is a word we apply to trivial events to give them more meaning to the end result; A coincidence a person labels in order to instill value and wisdom to the moment.

This is what I think about when I eat Life cereal.


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Unstoppable (But Avoidable)

"Earlier today, a dump truck going 16mph was accidentally hit by a train. No one on board was killed, but the two drivers of the truck are in critical condition..."

Um, are you kidding me? I mean, are you serious? How in the hell does anyone get "accidentally" hit by a train? On purpose I can understand. On purpose, I can understand anything happening; after all, you went out of your way to make sure it happens. But a train? On accident?

Here's my argument: Trains don't exactly sneak up on you. It's not like they jump out from behind the thicket bushes and pounce on you, then pummel you into the ground with their cow-catcher bumper, swing their smokestack like a Louisville bat and warn you to stay off their turf.

"Does this still count as a carpool lane?"
And here's the cool part about train wrecks that I enjoy, because it's one of the few things in life that is absolutely black and white; There is no gray area. And here it is: If you get hit by a train, you deserve it. 'Cause if it's on purpose, you deserve it. If not on purpose, then you're a slow-ass blind and deaf person who can't cover 5 feet of asphalt in the 60 seconds you see the six-hundred blinking red lights all around you and a huge 7,500 ton vehicle coming half a mile away from your right at a whopping 15 miles an hour. And that also mean you can't hear the ringing bells or the train itself blowing it's horn several times essentially saying, "Excuse me? I'm arriving soon. Eventually. Aaaaaand if you get hit by me, you pretty much fucking deserve it. I mean, I really can't turn here. I'm on a goddamn TRACK. You know where I can come from 24 hours day."

That's another thing. You see the tracks, man. They're not hidden or covered over or camouflaged with secret CIA transparent technology. You see them. They're massive. And there's a bunch of warnings and lights and sounds around every one. I bet if lions and hyenas hunted on strict, specified tracks in the African plains, even the fucking gazelle would, y'know, stay the fuck away. You wouldn't see them taunting the hyenas or quicklytryingtosprintacross as the hyenas rolled by on their little hyena roller skates snapping their jaws. No, you would see the lions and shit die from starvation. 'Cause even dumb animals know when and how to avoid stupid shit that kills them. Maybe that's why trains are still around. They feed off of dumbasses.

In closing, I'd like to finish this PSA with a translation for every train horn in existence:

"I can't make a U-turn if I see you walking in front of me. I'm not a car. Does the side of this say Volvo? No, it says Santa Fe, bitch. So, y'know, HOOOOOOONK!!! Get the fuck outta the way."

That's... that's basically what they're trying to say. I know this because I speak train. I'm fluent in Locomo.

But I still won't walk near any bushes. Me and the gazelles know what's up.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


deep within this head of mine... hiding inside these fingers... hibernating with my heart... lie words and sounds with the power to affect everyone; an untapped faucet of power and compassion wanders lost in the days of my life.

there is so much more than this for me. my desires outweigh my grasp, my true meaning revolves beyond my reach. i get the feeling my hopes mocks me.

"getting by" never has been a plan of mine.

i prefer to thrive than survive; in career, in love, in friends, in status and in all aspects of life that involve change and purpose. what will awaken my true ability? a goal? a worthy motive? another person to love? to impress? to carry? perhaps failure itself?

those who have never met me believe me to be amazing.

those who have think differently.

how can they all be wrong?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Despite All My Age...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get older is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you, Timmy?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. But you're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony: YOU BECOME 21. YES!!

An age simulation image, or the most homosexual family photo, ever?
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECAME 21, but you TURNED 30. And then then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away! Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone! But wait! You MAKE it to 60. *exhales* You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that, holy shit! You HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "But I was JUST 92..."

And then...

...then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!

So may you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Guy Facts

• Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

• Stop saying we're complicated. We do simple things - both sweet and stupid - for simple reasons. It virtually always boils down to us being either:
a.) hungry
b.) horny
c.) bored, or
d.) seriously, we just forgot. It's not that we don't care. We just...forgot. We don't want you mad at us anymore than you want your period. And we don't want that, either.

• Men don't like to talk face to face as much as women do. Especially if you're arguing or bringing up a sensitive subject. Wanna make things easier? Sit next to him - and not in front of him where it's subconsciously confrontational - when discussing an important matter.

• Unusual spots for sex turn us on. Men like to get out of the bedroom. They'd like you to offer up your bathroom, your kitchen, and other unusual spots for a special afternoon of love-making. There's nothing like sex in the afternoon. And when it comes to fantasies, they're more than happy to play along with yours, and they love for you to indulge theirs. Another guy request: They want to talk to you about sex, openly and candidly. Think of it as giving him updates. The way ESPN does.

• Just like knuckles, some guys can "crack" their penis. Just ask 'em.

• Yes, there are nice guys out there. And yes, it pisses us off when you girls say we don't exist.

• Both genders have their insecurities. Whether it's true or not, just tell him he has the biggest penis you've had. Hey: He always says you're the most beautiful, right?

• Guys who like girls who are into religion do so because it gives them something to believe in - and something to scream during sex. Corruption can be a sexy challenge.

• They don't want to hear about your period. Period.

• Sometimes sports take priority over sex. Especially during playoffs.

• If your guy's Facebook or online status says "single", he is not your boyfriend.

• At least, not a good one.

• A guy will silence your calls when he is
a.) At a sporting event,
b.) At the bar,
c.) He's pissed at you, or
d.) Hooking up with another girl.
 And yes, sometimes c and d can go together.

• If a guy seems into you but doesn't act on it, one of his friends wants you.

• They like getting head more than giving it. ALWAYS.

• If a guy you like asks you to hang out, it's okay to bring a friend the first time - from then on, save the sidekick for parties and other social events.

• If a guy has small hands or feet, don't comment on it unless you're prepared for an awkward situation.

• If they smell like pot, they've probably been smoking. If they smell like booze, they've probably been drinking. Put your interrogation flashlight away.

• Guys like compliments too. If you tell them you like their shirt, chances are they will remember and wear that shirt again.

• Try not to go through their shit. But you will, so once you do, don't tell them.

• If you haven't heard the expression before, it goes something like this: "Bros before hoes." Don't criticize a friend of your man unless he brings it up first.

• They don't like your drunken alter ego. If he's really nice he will hold your hair back while you puke, but you're still The Girl Who Puked.

• Every guy has one "dorky" hobby; some guys play video games like Halo, others build paper airplanes or work on their cars. While you may be desperate to change them, let them have this one thing and you can keep yours. It'll keep everyone sane.

• Always wait to hear how many people he's slept with before you reveal your numbers. Anything above 10 is generally considered slutty, and anything below 3 is generally considered a lie.

• As much as you want to talk about past relationships, zip the lip. When you tell a guy you are still good friends with an ex, that translates to, "we still hook up occasionally." Whether it's true or not, it runs through our heads.

• He secretly thinks at least one of your friends are hot.

• And you secretly know which one it is.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The balance between vengeance and penance

Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge. 

On God if they can't find anyone else.

But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the "Drowning Man Trial". There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He's taken out on the water and he's dropped. He's bound so that he can't swim. The family of the dead then has to choose: They can let him drown, or they can save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn't always just; That very act can take away their sorrow.


...is a lazy form of grief.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


"There seems to be a misconception about Neil that most individuals perhaps take for granted. He seems to shy away from common contact with people in general, yet is keenly aware of society and highly observant of it's flaws; a symptom we in my line of work diagnose as "social burn". He is active with people and the world around him, but not through typical mediums. Neil has a tendency to become brutally honest when cornered in conversation (as I have found out through repeated attempts at drawing out his honest feelings in terms of his own life). Obtaining true opinions from Neil is extremely difficult; He will virtually always "clip on" pure logic and statistical figures to his answers, making it seem as though he had no other choice but to come to that particular conclusion. He hides his opinions in otherwise normal circumstances. This could be attributed to numerous reasons, whether it being home life, friends, past romantic involvements, school trauma or perhaps all of the above. Further questioning revealed nothing significant. It is in this doctor's opinion that his clever yet elusive refusals to disclose anything helpful with his personal self stilfes the possibility of progressing with the patient.

"Neil does possess an innate ability to understand the motives of the person talking to him and the underlying current of the situation. This has become both a blessing and a burden to him since he characteristically dwells on the hidden meanings and unsaid of people. This may come off as distrusting or perhaps "shady" as his father puts it, but I believe it stems from the opposite. He has spoken to me on several occasions of the people he truly feels he loves in his life. He mentioned only a few, but when asked who he trust he replied, "Pretty much everyone." When probed further, he said, "Anybody can be trusted if you know how far you can trust them to begin with," or some comment to that extent. This would explain why he insists on learning about others long before he bestows his own personal information on them. He also admitted a lack of sleep as a deep concern to those around him. Neil confided that he is constantly thinking and mulling over others situations and his own losses, keeping him awake. By virtually obsessing over other friends and family situations and problems, it has become the only way he can still feel connected to them and their lives, despite the notion that he rarely - if ever - tells them his own. Therefore, by him attempting to understand a friend beyond what they say and do, he is simply trying to connect with them on his own level, since he knows far beforehand that he will never be able to tell them what he is thinking. He develops his own personal trust, just below the other person's radar. A quote I found amusing during a session with one of his friends, Christopher Bell told me prior to the meeting, "If you want to learn about yourself, talk to Neil. If you want to learn about Neil, ask to someone else."

"Moreover, the patient has a tendency to adapt and become comfortable in a wide variety of topics. But by doing so, his confidence level rises, and he becomes very alert and aware and almost comes off as "smug". His sarcastic tendencies surface and can be extremely stand-offish. As the control of the conversation shifts, Neil will very quietly pick and test the other person, feeling his way around their thought process. But again, he never engages it with malice. He is, quite simply, a very curious creature. I believe, however, that he very seriously needs to understand how to go about learning about someone, and that doing so is a two-way street. My advise is perhaps for Gino and Cindy enroll in some professional classes and convey the lessons to their child, who deeply needs love in some form or fashion. This is why he so easily calls mothers of other friends "Mom" instead of "Mrs. Muller", "Mrs. Maldanado", or "Mrs. Schula." He feels little to no emotional connection with his maternal mother. Conversations adhering to this subject were denied and avoided constantly. As were his romantic involvements or lack thereof.

"In conclusion, Neil is as complicated as he is simple. Complicated being his methods, simple being his intentions. I never picked up on a malicious or malevolent tone or phrase during our past 18 months of sessions with Neil. There seems to be a lot of emotion and positive energy inside of him. But he was never properly taught how to share it with others in society. I feel, as a professional, I have reached my limit with the patient in terms of responses and reacting. He has a grasp of my techniques and methods and deftly avoids questions and constantly appears bored with the program and myself. Perhaps another can aide him and his family further, but I can no longer. I wish Neil the best of luck and enjoyed working with him. May his genius never go to waste."

File -0098349

-Mrs. Sarchet, psychologist, 1998

[I went out to the front garage to get some bottled water and there was this box just above the Cadillac that said "Neil's". I never thought much of it 'cause like, usually it's toys from when I was a kid or some school work or report cards that I never want to see again. But I was bored and had nothing to do, so I climbed over and pulled it out. I found a manila folder with some records in it from when I had Mrs. Sarchet as a psychologist. Social services requested I do so when my mother and I got into a fight and she broke my collar bone and I broke her nose.]

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Reality TV ≠ Reality

First host: Serious business.
Does anyone watch that show "Cheaters"? I remember when the host was some dude with brillo hair who was balding, but now it's this sleek Kung Fu dude. Either way, the show should be on prime time and everyone should watch it. It's fucking awesome. I think if everyone watched it then everyone would start being a little afraid of cheating and, well, that's good.

Second host: Serious about faxing shit.
If you've never seen it, I'll fill you in: Some people call up the show and tell them how suspicious they are of their significant other. The show sends out a team of investigators and follows the significant other around using night vision and tapes and camera and catches them cheating with another person. Then a week or so later, after they've gathered enough evidence, they report back to the person who called them and show them footage. They tell the person that they know where their cheating spouse is, that they're with the 3rd person at that moment and if they want to confront them. Of course, they do (who wouldn't?). And the spring and confrontation is all over national television. That's what the cheaters get. Fucking assholes and bitches. *laughs* A lot of times they try to run away from the camera but the team like, surrounds them and makes them talk to the other person they cheated on. It's fucking great. This is real punishment. None of this breaking up or giving stuff back crap. Just pure, well-deserved national embarrassment; That's what you get. Assholes.

On the other side of the quality-television spectrum, we have ElimiDATE. This show is a thousand times worse than Jerry Springer. At least you know Jerry Springer is fake and you can enjoy it. And at the end, Jerry gives an actual thoughtful and good-natured monologue about life. For instance, here's a clip for the Final Thought at the end of an episode called, "I'm Pregnant By A Giant Transsexual":

The premise of the episode is obviously insane - like the show itself - but at least Springer always takes the time to break down the nonsense morally and tell us all how it is and what we can learn from it.

But ElimiDATE is, sadly, 100% real, meaning all those macho guys who think they're the shit and all those snobby sluts with way too much make up actually act and think that way. It's a sad representation of what dating is like. More than anything, I hate the buffed up, spiky hair, too much of a tan douche bags asking questions like, "So how do you ladies kiss a guy? I mean, I'm just askin'..." and then he looks around with a smile and the women (who, by the way, almost NEVER have attractive faces - what's with that?) pull some oh-so-clever line like, "Well how 'bout I show you..." and she walks over and kisses him. But the kiss is never a comfortable, actual kiss! It's always so fucking awkward looking! And then, of course, the other two girls line up and playfully push her aside and kiss him, too. It's like, are you girls this retarded? Are you actually turned on by this guy? Do you really want to kiss him? Or do you want to kiss him just because the OTHER girl did first?

Same goes when there's three guys and one girl. Two of the guys always gang up start picking on the weaker guy. And if the weaker guys starts firing insults back, they all looks retarded and 8th grade. And by the time it gets down to two, that's when the three of them "hit the dance floor" where, for some reason, there's always one guy who can dance well and one guys who looks like he's having a seizure but swallowing his foam for 3 minutes. And why do guys always flick up their collar when they start grinding close to the girl? You're not slick, you're not cool, you're not Elvis, and you're not getting any after the cameras stop rolling.

Pure. Class.
And that's the thing. The dumbass guys always pick the sluts. And the stuck up snobs chicks always pick the dipshit bully. You think anything happens when they stop filming? Idoits. They chose you to win the game, not because they wanted you. My ex-girlfriend went on one of those reality dating shows. After they chose the winning guy and they made her and him walk into a sunset for the final shot, she went home, he called her cell and she politely declined. That was that. It's gay. People who watch ElimiDATE can't watch it for the quality or for dating tips (dear God, I hope not). They watch it for the same reason we watch 50 cars zoom around a concrete circle for 5 hours at NASCAR: For the spectacular wrecks and head-on collisions. It's funny to watch an absolute prick make a fool of himself and for two girls with high-pitched voices yip and yap over an asshole as if they had much character to defend in the first place.

Fuck that. Fuuuuuuuuck that. Put on a show where there's a point to it. Like Cheaters. And air it right before Desperate Housewives or 60 Minutes or CSI: Miami - y'know, when everyone's watching TV. Hell, better yet, just splice together all of Jerry Springer's "Final Thought" monologues, paste them end-to-end, and just make a show called, "Watch This Show If You're Fucking Stupid".