Thursday, May 26, 2011

Admit it.

Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing about art or sex that you couldn't read in any trendy new york underground fashion magazine.

You're a prototypical non-conformist; A vacuous soldier of the thrift-store gestapo.

You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit), giving your thumbs up and thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art.

You're diving face forward into an antiquated past. It's disgusting, it's offensive. Don't stick your nose up at me.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Re-prioritizing America

Loud opinion incoming.
I just got back from a bonfire party, and as usual, many "experts" rose from the drunken ashes. It's always the stoners with a 40oz. in each hand and a 7-year high school career who are the loudest of all, standing in a circle, about 10 feet away from the bonfire, preaching "facts" to each other. I just stand in the sand and smile. Sometimes laugh. As long as I have a big sweater, I'll listen to friends chat all night.
Anyway, the point is, the subject of gay marriage came up, and as you can probably imagine, it sparked quite the conversation. You'd be surprised which friends lean far to the left or far to the right when certain issues bubble to the surface. I never bothered to say my piece however, because 2am at a private beach bonfire and thirty people eating and drinking isn't exactly the best place to make a political stand that will touch the hearts of our future children. However, I did get to thinking on the drive home and I decided to write a little about it here.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Science, mustard, Boy Scouts, and the chinese.

• The women of the Food Network have to stop faking orgasms when they taste their food. Half of that programming consists of cute, spunky women putting things in their mouth and giving us their "O" face. Which is why I can recite 23 different pasta recipes from memory - and I don't even cook. Rachael Ray makes a 30-minute meal, and I'm the one that's "finished in 15".

Yeah you are.
• When scientists find a new planet that's just like Earth, they have to give it a better name than G-Liese 581. It sounds like an alias in a chat room. Are we supposed to explore it or think it's a horny teenager? I don't wanna go to its fucking galaxy looking for sex only to end up on "Dateline."

• Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I'm an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Last Straw

Considering the trillions and trillions of planets, stars, and galaxies in the universe, it's silly to think without a doubt that there is no life out there besides our own.

With that in mind...

Hypothetically speaking, let's assume the nearest form of life is, say, 200 million light years away. Now, 1 light year = the distance light can travel in one year; or, about 6 trillion miles (5,878,630,000,000 to be exact). That would make our hypothetical alien world around 120 million trillion miles away. Okay. Cool.

Now, the speed of light is important, because of this: You can only see something when light is reflected back into your eyes from the object itself. Meaning, you can only see your wall in front of you right now because there is a light source in your room that is hitting that wall and bouncing back into your eyes. For a much bigger example, it takes light 8 minutes to get from the Sun to Earth. That means if the sun were to simply turn off, we wouldn't know about it until 8 minutes later. If you look up at the sky at night and see a star twinkle a few times and disappear, you just witnessed the death of a star... from millions of years ago. It just took the light that long to get to you. Crazy when you think about it.

So. That said, lets go back to our hypothetical aliens and assume can see our Earth from their planet using some super-amazing telescope technology. But they wouldnt see us, per se. Because they're 200 million light years away, they would only see a version of the Earth from 200 million years ago; With all the magma and and volcanoes and dinosaurs and swampy jungles, etc. Kind of like how when you're sitting at a baseball game and the player at the plate hits a ball but you dont hear the crack of the bat till a few seconds later. Even though it happened a few seconds prior, you're only hearing the sound now. Now imagine that sped up times 88,000. That's light. So the aliens 200 million light years away see Earth the way it was 200 million years ago. Okay.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

You gotta punch your weight.

"What I really learned from the Charlize debacle is that you gotta punch your weight. Charlize was out of my class: too pretty, too smart, too witty, too much. What am I? Average. A middleweight. Not the smartest guy in the world, but certainly not the dumbest. I've read books like "The Unbearable Likeness of Being", "Angelea's Ashes", and "Love in the Time of Cholera", and I understood them, I think -- they're about girls, right? -- just kidding. But I didn't like them very much. My all-time Top five favorite books are Johnny Cash's autobiography, "Snow Crash" by Neil Stevenson, "Zan and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance", "The Trouser Press Guide to Rock", and, I don't know... probably something Kurt Vonnegut. I look through the New Yorker when my neighbor's done with it, and I'm not adverse to going down to the Fine Arts to watch "subtitle films", although on the whole I prefer American. Top five being Blade Runner, Cool Hand Luke, the first two Godfathers which we'll count as one, Taxi Driver, and The Shining. I'm okay looking, average height, not skinny, not fat. My genius, if I can call it that, it to combine a whole load of averageness into one compact frame.

"You might say there are millions like me, but there aren't, really: A lot of guys have impeccable taste in music but don't read, a lot of guys read but are really fat, a lot of guys are sympathetic to women but have stupid beards, a lot of guys have Woody Allen sense of humor but look like Woody Allen. Some drink too much, some drive like assholes, some get into fights, of show off money, or do drugs. I don't do any of these things, really. If I do okay with women it's not because of the virtues I have, but because of the ugly flaws I don't have.

"So. Charlize and I didn't match. After her I was determined to never get out of my league again."

-High Fidelity, 2000