Monday, March 3, 2014


Despite the daily misconception among peers, there is, in fact, some thing that I do thank you for.

All the time.

It will come as no surprise to you that I am obsessed with the past; Why it happened, what could have been done differently, what events transpired that ultimately led me here, etc. And I analyze the present beyond normal social recognition, constantly weighing risk vs. profit, picking poisons, and justifying consequences with their respective actions.

However, what you allowed me to do - for the first time ever, with anyone - was to look ahead. With you, I was optimistic. I felt so confident with the substance and chemistry we had that I became excited about our possibilities. Excited enough that I began looking ahead: At what I finally had the freedom to become, now with someone not only supporting my decisions, but making me think and grow in new ways, and pushing me forward when I needed that nudge; And you, being with someone not trying to lock you down into a role, introducing you to new ideas, new perspectives, and someone that wouldn't let you slide, even if it meant wagging my finger at you or just grabbing your goddamn hand and pulling you back up onto my shoulders. The "team" dynamic and synergistic partnership had me so hopeful and excited about the future.

The future... The one thing I used to force myself to avoid looking at. Never hope for. Never plan around. It was always too uncertain, full of stories from everyone else about how "life has its way of changing your plans." And so I never bothered to look ahead. Only concerned myself about today. Building slowly, deliberately, one brick at a time.

But you had me seeing entire skylines.

The problem was that I was so enamored in our atmospheric potential that I became blinded by the present. In essence, I tripped over a rock while looking up at the sky. So many things I should have put a pin in as signs and red flags and confronted you about - or maybe even used as valid reasons for leaving you. But I set them aside with the intention of love, hoping you would see my patience and constantly unraveling slack as a gesture of my willingness to be flexible and understanding. I hoped the reward would be equal to my investment. That one day you'd wake up to the calm sea of you and I, look back behind us at the horizon of a fading storm and think, "Wow. He stayed with me through all of that. And he's still here. I guess he must truly love me."

But I never recieved that. You never got to that point. You came close, a few times. I'll admit. But in the end, you ran away again, spinning stories to friends and family, I'm sure, so they would tell you what you needed to hear to justify the way you treated me. Maybe it was unfair of me to be waiting for that moment.

Still, somewhere out there, wherever you moved and left to, I know I pop up in your mind. Maybe not every day anymore... maybe even just once a week... but I know I do. A song, a color, a joke, maybe even someone's voice, some trigger will remind you of me. And you'll remember I'm out here, your "abstract entity"... your mental twin... your shell... and you know what you did to me. No one else may know. Your new friends won't. Your new co-workers won't. Your new boys won't. But you will. At least, for the few flashes of a second it comes back to you before you blink, shake your bangs, and push it back down to forget it all.

You don't ever have to say you're sorry to me.

I don't need it anymore.

I just miss having a future.

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