Monday, August 8, 2011

and i want life in every word to the extent that its absurd

its a whole new ball game when you try to figure out your worth with other people. a lot of times i lay on my floor - sometimes next to my heater, sometimes next to my piano, aimlessly tapping the 4 highest keys in the dark - and i wonder where i stand with friends, family and the like. actually, that more or less a lie. i dont wonder. its more like thinking about where i know i stand with them. i guess we all want to matter very much to those we love and care for. but the world isnt always fair in that regard.

there are half a dozen souls on this earth whom i love more than my heart is even capable of; i swear, if my heart had a love cup, it would pour itself empty for these people, and when its gone, somehow there would be more in the reserves to pour out for them. but i think my biggest problem is that ive never known exactly how to show the people i care about exactly just how indispensable and essential they are to me. ive lost a few because of my failure to do so. i constantly hold people in pristine condition in my heart ... but i never figure out how to get the same treatment from anyone else. i always mean less to them than they do to me. could that be a good thing?

none of this is anyones fault other then my own, and im not trying to pawn it off as such. my point is, its amazing how much we care about how other people feel about us. why do we care? as if it matters. its a funny thing. ideally, if you do something nice or if you try your best, that should be it. you ran the race, played your cards, and clocked out your shift. where you placed, who folds and how much you get paid are all inevitable results in life that we have no control over - so why worry so much? in the end, who likes us and who hates us never truly matters. who loves us and who we love does, though, i guess. love can change a lot of things. heck, everything. i dont know what im trying to say here.

my dad left us a while ago to go on some "break". i opened my brothers door the other night a few years ago to find out that my father had given my brother every painting he had made himself; they were on my brother's shelves and along his walls. he gave all of his paintings to my brother. kind of humbled me and reminded me who the favorite was and who the black sheep remains. it wasnt shocking. just a reminder. sometimes those are worse.

i went to an everclear show recently and art said on stage something that id been thinking about for quite a while before he said it. he said that no matter how many girlfriends or boyfriends or wives you go through, or even your family - your best of friends will be the most important thing in your life. wives will cheat, husbands will leave, family can turn its back on you for not living up to their standards. but true friends will never leave. i know this isnt 100% true, but it is to a degree. its not some mind-blowing statement - until you think about it. i think im one of the few exceptions, as ive yet to find a group of friends who stay by my side in times of peril and would never screw me over. theres always something wrong with me. like maybe this vodka thats keeping me from bothering with grammar.

but thats okay. cause there should be something wrong with me. there should be a lot of somethings wrong with me. and there is. cause thats what makes me, me. im an overactive, overreactive, overthinking, hyper-sensitive, insomniac whos eating habits are terrible, lack of focus is off-the-charts amazing, and a self-effacing nerd, who plays guitar and sings because music is the needle in my soul's compass.

thats me. its sucks. and im alright with the mess i am. i dont know if ill ever get married or have kids or find that house i want. i dont know if my music will ever be heard by as many people as i dream. i dont know what i deserve. fuck, i dont even know what i dont deserve.

but i do know this...

our world was not designed to be fair. if you demand it, and use that unanswered demand to excuse a lack of drive, youll be miserable and unsuccessful. so dont ask for fairness and dont let your limitations hold you back. take what you have and get what you want with it. being happy is your own personal duty.

dont listen to those who say, "its not done this way." hell, maybe its not, but maybe youll do it anyway. ive never listened to people who said, "youre taking too big of a chance." cause if michaelangelo would have painted the sistine floor, it would surely be rubbed out by today.

i firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to some exclusion of love, sensitivity, and helping others, but with conviction that you can move other's lives with your own efforts - and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live your life - chances are youll be a person worthy of your own respect.

and not anyone else measure of worth.


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