Envisage.

Despite the daily misconception among peers, there is, in fact, some thing that I do thank you for.

All the time.

It will come as no surprise to you that I am obsessed with the past; Why it happened, what could have been done differently, what events transpired that ultimately led me here, etc. And I analyze the present beyond normal social recognition, constantly weighing risk vs. profit, picking poisons, and justifying consequences with their respective actions.

However, what you allowed me to do - for the first time ever, with anyone - was to look ahead. With you, I was optimistic. I felt so confident with the substance and chemistry we had that I became excited about our possibilities. Excited enough that I began looking ahead: At what I finally had the freedom to become, now with someone not only supporting my decisions, but making me think and grow in new ways, and pushing me forward when I needed that nudge; And you, being with someone not trying to lock you down into a role, introducing you to new ideas, new perspectives, and someone that wouldn't let you slide, even if it meant wagging my finger at you or just grabbing your goddamn hand and pulling you back up onto my shoulders. The "team" dynamic and synergistic partnership had me so hopeful and excited about the future.

The future... The one thing I used to force myself to avoid looking at. Never hope for. Never plan around. It was always too uncertain, full of stories from everyone else about how "life has its way of changing your plans." And so I never bothered to look ahead. Only concerned myself about today. Building slowly, deliberately, one brick at a time.

But you had me seeing entire skylines.

The problem was that I was so enamored in our atmospheric potential that I became blinded by the present. In essence, I tripped over a rock while looking up at the sky. So many things I should have put a pin in as signs and red flags and confronted you about - or maybe even used as valid reasons for leaving you. But I set them aside with the intention of love, hoping you would see my patience and constantly unraveling slack as a gesture of my willingness to be flexible and understanding. I hoped the reward would be equal to my investment. That one day you'd wake up to the calm sea of you and I, look back behind us at the horizon of a fading storm and think, "Wow. He stayed with me through all of that. And he's still here. I guess he must truly love me."

But I never recieved that. You never got to that point. You came close, a few times. I'll admit. But in the end, you ran away again, spinning stories to friends and family, I'm sure, so they would tell you what you needed to hear to justify the way you treated me. Maybe it was unfair of me to be waiting for that moment.

Still, somewhere out there, wherever you moved and left to, I know I pop up in your mind. Maybe not every day anymore... maybe even just once a week... but I know I do. A song, a color, a joke, maybe even someone's voice, some trigger will remind you of me. And you'll remember I'm out here, your "abstract entity"... your mental twin... your shell... and you know what you did to me. No one else may know. Your new friends won't. Your new co-workers won't. Your new boys won't. But you will. At least, for the few flashes of a second it comes back to you before you blink, shake your bangs, and push it back down to forget it all.

You don't ever have to say you're sorry to me.

I don't need it anymore.

I just miss having a future.

Ignition initiation.

"Do you remember our first kiss?"

"That was like... six or seven years ago? Eight? No."

"Well, I kissed you."

"Well, yeah, I never kiss a girl first. Or ask a girl out. Just not what I do."

"Yeah, I had to kiss you. It was so cute. You were so nervous. Like this scared, little puppy. You were so adorable."

"Ha."

"It was weird, because you're usually so... so... like, in command. Like so..."

...

"...alpha! You're usually such an alpha male. Like this big bear or wolf or something. But suddenly there you were, just timid. And it melted my heart."

"You have no idea the deja vu I'm having right now."

"But once you get the green light... yeah. You turn on."

"...you have no idea the deja vu I'm having right now."

Wicked.

Post.

"To the girl who has replaced me..."

"To the girl who has replaced me... 

"There are a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of your guy's affection.

"First of all, don't be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don't be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you're just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you say. He can easily pick out a dissimilar tone in your voice and he'll try in every way to make you smile, and if you don't, he'll become upset if you refuse to tell him what's wrong.

"He hurts easily, especially by the painful words or actions a careless girl will say or do. If you do hurt him, then you'll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his gorgeous, deep-brown eyes, and watching the light in them fade. You'll also have to hear the sharp tone and possible crack in his voice, because he, unlike most guys, cares enough about you that he just may try to hide his hurt. If this happens, all is not lost-- a kiss, an "I'm sorry" and an "I love you" can heal almost anything. And please, don't say "I love you" to him, unless you honestly mean it. Nothing hurts him more than someone who really doesn't care.

"Most of the time, he won't tell you what he is feeling, but… just know that he's protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn't right, just look into his amazing eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn't right with him. He won't ever try to hurt you, because he just isn't that way, so please, don't hurt him, because if you do, I don't think I could ever forgive you. I don't think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the guy that I love and knowing that you hurt him.

"You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, make sure to pick only the ones that are worth fighting for; he will almost always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling. He likes a small fight every now and then-- he likes to watch your face light up in frustration, because he knows that the second he plants a kiss on your lips, nothing about the argument will matter anymore. He may become slightly jealous when you mention other guys, but don't mistake that to be controlling or overbearing-- he just worries that you may leave him for somebody "better than him" (although we both know that there is nobody "better than him").

"Though he may act mature 99.9% of the time, you'll find that once he's given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile in a way that words just can't explain. Don't hold a tight grip on him; let him be a part of the world so he can experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and he is very much independent. Sometimes, he'll need his space, especially when he has things to think about, but don't worry-- he'll always make time for you and even when you're not around, you'll be in his thoughts. And you must be patient when he takes his time to think, but just know that he'll always come back to you when he's ready.

"He may become impatient at times-- waiting has never been his best forte. You will find that he isn't like any other guy that you have met, so please don't take him for granted. When it comes to his money, don't take advantage of that, because he will be so unselfish with it-- that's just the way he is.

"Remember, he likes brunettes over blondes, pizza or cereal will always win over steak or burgers, Everclear will always be his favorite band, he is able to recite every line from almost every song from the 1990s, and even though he won't admit it, he really does like to be surprised. He is less tough than he may appear-- you just have to take the time to let him bring down his guard. He is so sweet and so amazing, and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart as I sit here writing this to you.

"Don't ever try to pull him away from his dreams-- he is going to be an extremely successful musician and teacher, and he won't ever let you give up on your dreams, either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and he will never, ever let you down.

"He likes it when you kiss his neck and nothing is better than just being with him. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his, and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the only girl he loves, you will know that there isn't any guy in the world better than him.

"Don't ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time…

"I promise, you will."

- Lindsey B., November 29, 2006

35 things

1. Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?

2. Cats? Dogs? Both?

3. Can you eat breakfast for dinner?

4. Cold pizza: yes or no?

5. Is it acceptable to open presents as they arrive or do you have to wait for the actual birthday or holiday?

6. Should the dirty forks and knives go in the dishwasher with the handle sticking out of the utensil tray or down in the utensil tray?

7. Is it acceptable to leave dishes in the sink to "soak" overnight, or do they need to be cleaned before bed?

8. Toothpaste: cap on or cap off?

9. Again on the toothpaste: roll it from the bottom or just squeeze really hard?

10. Are towels a one-time use item or do you use the same towel until laundry day?

11. How about washcloths?

12. Road trip or flying?

13. What's the right thread count for sheets?

14. What brand of toilet paper?

15. Mayo or Miracle Whip?

16. Pepsi or Coke?

17. Can you eat the holiday candy out in the display bowl or must it be left there for display?

18. What is YOUR definition of camping?

19. Turn the thermostat down when you go out or leave it alone?

20. At what point is a garbage bag too full to stuff more trash in it?

21. How many times is it acceptable to hit the snooze button?

22. Thrift store shopping: great deals or gross?

23. How far in advance is it OK to plan a vacation?

24. Restaurant reservations: necessary or too restrictive?

25. Roller coasters: love 'em or hate 'em?

26. More chocolate chips, less cookie or more cookie, less chips?

27. How much orange juice must be left in the container for it to be returned to the fridge?

28. Chip clips or just roll the bag up?

29. Call the doctor or just take some medicine at home?

30. Where is the prime location for the TV remote to stay?

31. Is it OK to have a TV in the bedroom?

32. Should folded clothes be put away, or is it OK to just pull as needed from the basket of clean laundry?

33. Do you need to write a grocery list or just wait until you're walking around the store to figure out what you need?

34. Making the bed: must-do or waste of time because you're just going to get back in it?

35. Is it OK to shave/clip toenails in the living room?

Flanked by the world

After three kids, my friend (in green) scheduled a vasectomy and expressed his concerns about it. Not the physical aspect, but the principle of no longer being able to have more kids. I (in red) attempted to instill a logical angle on the dilemma. His wife (in orange) chimed in.

Where are you. I need you for things like this. I feel alone again.

I think he fucks with you on purpose.
I'm just a Angel and stuff but it's just a hunch.


Jesus?

Yeah

That's what I've been trying to tell people since I was like, 9.

When i was nine i was pretty sure he was outside my bedroom window holding a lantern so i wouldn't be scared.
Just so i had a nightlight

Yeah, well, while he was there I was getting raped by my father. So.
Now I know where he was.

And this is when i wish i could hug you.
Really tight
Till your eyeballs popped out.
That pretty much smacked me in the face.

Sorry...

I never got hit as a kid but i had to watch my stepdad beat my siblings and watch them suffer.
I'd just cry under my blankets.

Mhm...

That's the only time i will go under blankets...if i am crying
Other than that i feel like i can't breathe
I have problems.

I think if God exists, it's not for everyone.
He only decides to help certain people.

And that's why you mock him?

I don't mock him.

you tell me prayer doesn't work either.
Or when i've heard you say, Fuck you God!
I guess it is out of anger.
And hurt.

Prayer doesn't work.
Thats not mocking.
That's just fact.
And when I say Fuck you god, it's literally taunting whatever being is in power - or if nothing is in power, then just back luck and fate.
Neil Garces
2:47pm
Neil Garces

Angelique Bracone
2:49pm
Angelique Bracone
Fuckin' Neil
Neil Garces
2:50pm
Neil Garces
I just made that.
Makes it easier to see what I'm seeing.
Angelique Bracone
2:54pm
Angelique Bracone
Verbatim to thought.
Angelique Bracone
2:54pm
Angelique Bracone

Neil Garces
2:54pm
Neil Garces
Well it makes sense, right?
(and you're unfairly beautiful)
Angelique Bracone
2:55pm
Angelique Bracone
You're crazy
There's prettier girls out there.
Neil Garces
2:57pm
Neil Garces
Naturally beautiful? Not many.
On a night out, maybe 40% of women can be considered "attractive". And by that I mean simply not-unattractive.
Take that 40% and remove their make up.
You're instantly down to maybe 10%.
Now take that 10% and put them in a normal setting like a bedroom or just walking outside, and in normal clothes.
Down to maybe 3%.
You're in that 3%.
And that's not including personality and character.
You take that 3% of girls that can be beautiful without make up and in regular clothes... and add in the probability that that're nice, generous and unselfish souls?
You're in the 0.5%
Angelique Bracone
3:06pm
Angelique Bracone
Thanks for the breakdown. Lol
Neil Garces
3:09pm
Neil Garces
Sorry. Just how I think of things.
Angelique Bracone
3:10pm
Angelique Bracone
No need to say sorry silly
Neil Garces
3:15pm
Neil Garces
but does that prayer chart make sense?
Angelique Bracone
3:54pm
Angelique Bracone
What if you're just praying' and nothing bad happened. Your just talking to God. Like hey, what's up?
I guess it kinda does but idk....i pray not only when bad things happen but when good things happen as well.
But i understand what you're saying too.
i guess that's why we each have our own free will to believe what we think.
And should God exist only he can judge us on how lived our lives.
There is no right or wrong answer.
and i am sure when and if there is a heaven and we get there he'll have minute after minutes of questions from every single person.
Simple just a..why?
Angelique Bracone
4:08pm
Angelique Bracone
I'm sure you have a list of questions, just like i do.
Neil Garces
4:09pm
Neil Garces
99% of all prayers are things like, "Dear God, keep ______ safe, please help ________, and cure _________ of cancer, and protect ___________."
Those are all things that are asking God to change his plan.
Most prayers aren't, "Hey God. What's up? Man today sucked. Anyway. Thanks for listening."
Even when you watch sports, every athlete and fan is praying to God for a certain outcome.
It's all pointless.
Now, that isn't to say that there isn't a God. There could be. But by the very definition of who he is, when we pray and ask him of something, it make no sense.
It's not an opinion.
It's a fact.
Praying for change or help does not work.
Let's say you pray for something to happen. And someone else prays for the opposite. Only ONE of those can come true.
So what does that mean for the other person? They didn't pray hard enough? They weren't Christian enough? God doesn't care as much about that person?
No. What's ALWAYS said is that God works in mysterious ways we can't understand and has a greater plan.
Okay then.
So why pray!??!
You just admitted that he's going to do what he's going to do regardless.
He has his own plan.
So whether or not you believe in God - it doesn't matter. Prayer doesn't work.
If someone shoots a gun at me and I pray I don't get hit, it doesn't matter. I'm going to get hit. You know how many people have died praying they wouldn't?
How many people on the Titanic were praying to God as they drown in the sea?
Probably all of them.
They died anyway.
Why? Either A.) there is no God, or B.) God decided they should die.
Either way, prayer didn't do a damn thing.
It's very basic first grade logic.
Now, if you just want to pray - as you said - to vent. Or share how your feeling... kind of like a mental diary... that make sense.
But then, you're not praying so much as mentally working out your life as anyone else would. The only difference is that other people work it out themselves, and you believe you're talking to a spirit.
They're both the same behavior with the same intention.
Writing a blog, writing a song, thinking about it before you go to bed, venting to God... it's all the same thing.
So.
Yeah. It's not mocking God. It's showcasing logic.
Neil Garces
4:26pm
Neil Garces
get it?
Angelique Bracone
4:29pm
Angelique Bracone
Mhm...now tell me the difference between girls & women.
Neil Garces
4:30pm
Neil Garces
Boob size.
Angelique Bracone
4:30pm
Angelique Bracone
Lol
Sent from Mobile
Choose an emoticon

I bet you already know what you're going to be for Halloween.

I want you to know that you hurt me.

That you have forced me - out of sheer abandonment - to let you go a total of four times now.

It hasn't been easy.

For whatever reason - chalk it up to what your dad did to your mom, what that Don guy did to you, how cold Rit was to you, that Tucker Max book you read, to maybe even how Nick never "chased you" afterwards to your satisfaction - you see cutting line and running away as a sign of strength. To you, the ability to jump ship and destroy every rear-view mirror is always an option. As if ignoring and abandoning require some sort of courage. Perhaps your life experiences have constantly reinforced the idea that running away is always the best choice.

To me, the opposite has always been true. Never giving up. Never letting cynicism getting the best of you. Always seeing the best possible in people, and putting all the chips on the table, hoping for that one chance at happiness. I see disappearing without a word as the ultimate act of cowardice. That's not how adults treat each other.

Unfortunately, we're both stubborn. Did you know you're actually more emotional than I am? You are. The only difference is that your emotions are so powerful that they paralyze you, while my logic lets mine roam free. Both occur in extremes in the two of us.

I have a bad habit of wanting closure, and, if things must end, have them end civilly. I know how time tends to flatten once vibrant colors and how life tempts you to spin a story in your favor just a little more each time you tell it. And then to do so until it's distilled into a sentence or two followed by a shrug. Context and nuances are lost in exchange for apathy.

I've spent so much goddamn energy trying not to hate you. Trying not to listen to what everyone advises and says about you. Trying to explain to everyone that, despite what your behavior and calls and words and actions may seem like to the casual observer, I know you better than anyone, and that, hey, trust me, I understand her.

But with every day that passes, I grow weary. With every new picture you post, with every new bit of news I hear about you from friends, I know you get further and further away from me and closer to forgetting everything. Every day that passes without a call from you, I know another sunrise and sunset has passed with you having a moment where you get the urge to share something funny with me, think about your phone, sigh, and push it out of your mind. I know because I do the same.

Occasionally I'll feel the pressure to succumb and just... paint you black. Cast you as a terrible villain that did nothing but drag me across a grater for seven months after breaking my heart on my birthday. To flip through my mental flashcards of notes about you that I ended up being completely correct about, much to my chagrin. To see every day that passes in silence from you as affirmation that you really are just a cold-hearted, selfish bitch.

That would be the easy "story" to tell myself.

But I refuse to let that be the story. I refuse that to be true. Even if it might be. It can't just be that simple.

It's exhausting keeping it all in perspective alone. It's exhausting just being alone.

Deep inside of me, I hope. I hope that this is not all that simple for you. A part of me tells myself that there's another layer to you in this; that you haven't intentionally forgotten. That maybe a part of you - between all the guys you're juggling - does still care. Maybe, somewhere out there, you wonder if I'm okay. Or how I'm doing. Maybe that part of me is just as wrong and foolish as the rest of me has been. Maybe it's just a placebo effect for my heart.

I want you to know that you hurt me.

And I'm sorry.
And I'm angry.
And also sad.
And resentful.
But I am appreciative.

"I just wanted you to know."

Collar Correction

I have so much hate in me now.

For many, many reasons, I hate how this world works; I hate what it accepts, and the evil it rewards. I hate what it neglects, and the beauty it ignores. I hate the bad people that get away with bad things, and the good people that die early. I hate how my family treats each other, how they treated me, and how I don't feel connected with any of them. I hate what people do to animals, I hate stupid movies with stupid plots and stupid loopholes, I hate bad music because people love it and I hate good music because I didn't make it. I hate how good intentions don't mean anything. I hate how succeeding and making money, regardless of how it's acquired, redeems someone morally. I hate traffic.

I'm at the point where I hate how much I hate.

But you were my one... good... thing in this world. This place I could go to listen to things and smile and laugh and create a bubble of my own in this chaos. This person I could just be myself with. No strings attached. No preliminary requirements. No hoops to jump through. You were a sanctuary away from all the bile and poison and spite I was surrounded by with everywhere else. You were my blue-eyed oasis; undeservedly so, but I felt it, so I made it. I felt invincible next to you. We were mental twins. No one could take us down when we teamed up. Nothing could hurt us - except each other.

And now, I can feel the hate bleeding through the fabric. It's warming. The beads of resentment pooling to the surface. And all the darkness and pain and fury and loathing... The demon is pressing against the warping steel bars on the door of the cage, howling for a chance to take over this depression.

And I fight it. Sweet Christ, do I fight it. Every minute of every day, a sizzling spark of a thought flies through my mind, searching for the fuse to ignite. And every minute of every day, I quickly think of a thought from the opposite side of the spectrum to snuff it out.

But it's getting harder. More difficult. And with each day that passes without a word from you, seeing you smiling in pictures, hearing from friends about other guys, hearing from colleagues about your new jobs, feeling you packing up, moving away, and knowing you're going about it all so cavalier and guiltless... the slow realization that you're content with how our last conversation ended... that not only do you not worry about how I'm doing, but you don't care...

If there's anything I've learned because of you it's how powerful regret can be. And I'm doing everything I can to make sure I have nothing to look back on and wish I did differently. But you doing things right now you won't  be able to take back. Things I won't be able to forgive. Even down the line. It breaks my heart that you're okay with this.

Holding this anger back is breaking me. Against the advice of everyone - family, friends, teachers, your friends, co-workers, therapists - I refuse to lash out. I won't.

I'm not a monster.

You're just creating one.

But he'll stay on a leash, even if it kills me.

"This guy at school committed suicide a couple of weeks ago."
"How?"
"He jumped off a balcony."
"Well, I guess you could say he took his life... for granite?"
"Wow."
"He understood the gravity of the situation?"
"LOL"
"It wasn't an accident because... cement to do it."
"Holy shit dude."
"Life was a joke and he fell for it."
"Hahahahahaha!"
"That was the last one."
"No it wasn't."
"Okay, no one else was to blame because it was... all asphalt."
"That's it, I'm coming home. These are gold."

Blue Cat Blues

Still seems a tad optimistic.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	2.9
Mind:	2.1
Body:	2.5
Spirit:	3.5
Friends/Family:	2.6
Love:	Not enough information
Finance:	2.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Fuckin' cheers.

O.C.D.

Serendipity

One day it'll happen.

You'll be standing in line. And you'll see a baby. Just there. Over his mom's shoulder. Quiet. Staring at you with blue eyes. You'll smile at it and think about how cute it is. And something deep inside you won't... immediately dismiss the sentiment of maybe - just maybe - one day becoming a mother.

And over the following weeks, months, and years, you'll start to feel the urge to want to know what it's like to truly have something of your own. Something created inside of you. To experience sharing life with something that can learn from you, 24/7. Grow up next to you. Depend on you. And, later, thank you for all you've done, as you do with your own mother. You'll start thinking about settling down, committing, and finally letting go of that glacier of cynicism that had once poisoned your emotional progress.

And whatever guy you're with at that time will reap all the benefits of your maturing, softening heart. Of your growth. Of your eventual retrospect. Of your wiser philosophies and calmer, pastoral outlook on life. He won't be any different from other guys. He won't possess anything you haven't seen before. And he certainly will not have been there through your darkest hours, your most difficult nights, or your most outrageous and unfair moments. He will not have earned you in any way other than simply coming into the general vicinity of your life after you're all fixed up, shiny and better.

He will enjoy the heat of your fire without ever having to build the pile, or spark the flame himself.

He'll just... be around at the right time.

One day, it'll happen.