And then you flew away

Leaving behind the debris of blame,

As I choked on the down from your wings

In confusion and pain,

With only your guiltless halo in the dark

To remind me of the lie.

Goodbye, Oh Captain, My Captain.

Rest in peace, the father I never had. -HKR

Glympse

When you find out you're not good enough.

All over again.

A Million Ways...

"Here you go. While you're at it, you can buy your girlfriend a brain."

"Excuse me?"

"You're an idiot. You have the nicest guy in the world throwing himself at you and here you are with this asshole."

"Who I go out with is my own business, so why don't you mind your own, bitch."

"How are you so blind with eyes that big?"

The mad rush of it all.

I feel that the worst is still yet to come; that the real temptation which I await for is far beyond, advancing slowly upon me, heralded by delirious cries. And my miserable spirit is crouching for it, silently - a fascination of body and soul, the sharp withering horror of this misfortune.

The heart of prayer was not torn from me; it fell away of itself as ripe fruit falls.

I know this is no unusual trial. No doubt my doctor would say I'm suffering from a nervous strain, that it's very foolish to try to live on only a little bread and water, figuratively speaking. But I don't feel tired. Sometimes I wish I had to struggle against only myself... I think my courage would come back to me then. Occasionally I feel the pain in my chest. But it comes all of a sudden now. It doesn't wait from second to second as it used to...

If I ever yield to the temptation of sharing my pain with anyone, no matter who, my one last link with God will have been severed. And I think then eternal silence would begin for me.

The 5 Types of Girls That Bug The Hell Out Of Me

This goes out to all girls, not any one in particular as either a warning or a plead (so if it seems like I’m talking about you, that just means is that you fit into that particular category). What I’m going to be doing is talking about not only the dumb things girls do, but the dumb things girls do that guys would never do. And yes, I am very aware that there are things dumb guys do that girls never do but that’s not what this is about. Hence the title. Further disclaimer: This is by no means saying that ALL girls are like this. The majority of girls are downright excellent people. This is just a bitter rant. With some generalizations.

That said...

"Stay still. I'm just going to wash my fist off on your face. You love me, right?"

First off, the most frustrating type of girl to watch are the girls that stay with a guy that they obviously should not be with. You know the kind. Everyone and their mother and their mother’s neighbor's cable guy's cousin's barber' pet dog knows that they don’t belong together and that he’s not good enough. Whether it’s because he’s immature, an abusive prick, a liar, has no ambition in life or the age is too wide of a gap (i.e. 17 and 65). And regardless of how many fights and frustrating long nights and yelling matches the girl has with him, she will simply never leave him; Even though it would be for the best. I simply do not get this. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I totally understand the whole, "I love him so I want to try and work this out." That’s fine. But there’s a very important difference between being hopeful and being foolish.

And this is something you almost never see a guy do. If a girl treats him like trash, you can bet that he’ll talk to her, try to work things out, then give her another chance. But if it happens again? We’re outta there. We don’t need that. You don’t hear many stories about a man staying with an abusive wife. We just pack up and leave. Fuck that. Sure it hurts, but we know when to leave a bad situation. However, everyone knows a woman being beaten or in a relationship with a guy she doesn’t want to be with but stays because she feels she has to. LADIES! Wakethefuckup! It’s not like you have no other options out there! There are plenty of better men out there; ones that will fulfill your needs not only physically but emotionally. Stop wasting your time. Stop wasting yourself. Especially when there’s a better choice right in front of your face. Be happier with a better man instead of hanging on to a plane that’s on fire and headed into the ground. Pull the ripcord. You want some extra incentive (you know, besides the options of bettering your entire life and salvaging your future)? Ask any girl who left her abusive or cheating boyfriend if she would ever go back. And when they're done laughing at your face, they'll tell you no and that they've never been happier.

Two big reasons why fidelity isn't a priority.

Two: Da Playahs, Yo ... or, whatever. The heartbreakers. Ah, the virtual flip-side of the previously mentioned uber-loyal. These girls like to lure guys in with their killer looks and sexy words for nothing more than an ego boost. They have the lips, the eyes, the legs, the body and the knowledge to reel in the gullable and naive boys and then eat their hearts alive. Now you may say, "Well, if the guys are stupid enough to fall for it, they deserve it." Oh yeah? Let’s go with that mentality: If a girl wearing a skirt and a tank top gets raped at a party, then does she deserves it? After all, she wore those type of clothes and went to a place with a bunch of drunk guys and got drunk herself, then got raped. She basically slathered herself with meat and then jumped into the lion's den and poledanced in front of them. Doesn’t seem right, does it? Exactly. You don’t prey on another’s weakness for pleasure. Especially if it has to do with matters of the heart. Someone’s soul. That’s the worst kind of pain. Cuts and lacerations can be wrapped and healed, someone’s mind can be drugged and retards can be happy, but...a broken heart can destroy an otherwise perfectly healthy human being. So to these women you play these games, I say grow up or go to hell. We have guys that do that and I used to fight with them all the time. We don’t need girls doing it, too. The internet is perpetuating these kind of actions, tenfold. No one has to go out and meet anyone anymore. You can just send some pictures (doesn’t even have to be you) and then you can flirt like crazy and give out phone numbers and websites, etc. A large portion of Melodramatic.com is simply a huge dating service. No one likes to admit it but, it’s true. Not most of Melo, or even half, but a good slice. And truth be told, it could work. After all, the woman I love is on here. But I’ve never used any of my melos as a Neil-Billboard. But girls are far worse in this aspect that guys are. Don’t believe me? For instance, if you go to FaceTheJury.com, there are 50 girls for every one guy posted there. And if you compare pictures, you don’t see many guys flashing their groin or their ass at the camera. Sure there are some guy with their shirts up showing their 6-pack or maybe their arms, but that’s pretty much it. Usually it’s a guy from the shoulders up in a beanie looking at you or some guy on stage with his band. What are the girls doing? If it’s not some innocent face with serious cleavage showing, then it’s them in a bikini (or less) splashing water on themselves. Or the famous multiple shots of their ass. And don’t get me started on the ones with two hetero girls kissing each other for shock value. You’ll never see two straight guys kissing for a camera. Especially not for a website. These player girls are brutal. They flirt, tease, call and promise things but never deliver. And what happens when they get a guy to cry? "Oh geez. Whatever. I don’t care. He’s being a baby." I hope a guy comes and crushes you. That’s the only way you’ll ever learn.

And the third one. It’s not so bad as it is sad to me. Girls who, for all intensive purposes, are beautiful people both on the inside and out, but they refuse to see it. And I’m not talking about modesty. I’m talking about those 5’7" 120 lbs. model-worthy women who refuse to believe that they are anything except fat or ugly. All they see is the awful in themselves; which isn’t much, but they magnify it in their minds. Many things could attribute to this: Family issues, school torture, past personal trauma, mental disorders, etc. Do you know what being "fat" is? Being fat is 5’5", 210 lbs. That’s fat. That’s overweight. And even then, it still doesn’t mean you’re ugly. Being "ugly" or "beautiful" comes from within. If you’re a mean-ass whore (see: Players) you’re not going to end up with anyone. But if you’re a sweet and caring person, you’re going to be the woman who ends up with a respectful and compassionate man who will love you his life. You’ll never see a guy do this. A guy knows where he stands for the most part. A guy knows if he’s ugly, average or hot. We know who to hang out with and who not to hang out with. We’ll never stand in front of a mirror and wonder: Am I a 2 or an 8? Granted, there are many 2’s out there who go out and act like 8’s. But it’s not as bad as the 8’s who act like they’re 15’s. Cocky assholes. Still, these women who are incredibly stubborn in their own image need to understand that while it may not always be healthy to listen to everyone’s opinions, it’s almost always a good idea to at least listen to your close friends. And your close friends will tell you that you’re a wonderful person who needs to stop the work and binge and start working on your confidence. Friends don’t try to chang eyou: true friend should try to help you. No one makes you feel ugly. Only you do. And you’re human. There’s a big chance you’re wrong about yourself. You don’t have to believe them, especially when you know if anyone calls someone else a bad name it’s only meant to hurt and it’s not based on fact. Ignore them (this is the most important and the hardest to do). Also, stop comparing yourself and your body to other people on TV or in your mind. Be a first rate version of yourself and not a 2nd rate verson of someone else. Eat. Keep it down. Don’t feel guilty. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. At this exact second, there are twenty guys that are thinking of you. You’re a great person. Be it.

Where am I? Four? Four. These are almost worse to watch than the ones that stay with the undeserving boy (#1). These are the girls that move on and leave after the armageddon that was the relationship and then jump...right back into another one. Or, God forbid, a worse guy. An example: This happened with a friend of mine, Michelle. She went out with my friend Jeff Treat. After two years or so, they had both cheated on each other multiple times, had a "foursome" with Jeff’s cousin and his friend Steve and another guy, he took pictures of a girl giving him a blowjob which Michelle found later, she gave Jeff’s cousin head in the backseat while Jeff was driving, Jeff got her pregnant and told her to get an abortion and then he was going to leave her until Gene and I, ah, "confronted" Jeff about it, right after they broke up Gene and Michelle had sex, etc. There was more. It was an absolute disaster. Still, it wasn’t as bad as her next boyfriend. She was single for a while and had fun with guys (as most girls would after leaving a long relationship like that) and then got a boyfriend by the name of Tim. Tim is a drugee and a drug dealer and an alcoholic. On top of that, he’s broke and has no job. He’s been in jail and he loves to start fights. No matter how bad Jeff and Michelle got, Michelle was always a nice, wonderful person. She was always fun to be around. Now...I dunno. She’s lost her sparkle. She’s just...not Michelle anymore. She gets drunk at parties every week, does pot and has done cocaine. She’s like a zombie now. It’s scenarios like this that truly break my heart. The old addage, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire," applies here. Girls, look. If you finally come to your senses, pull your head out of your ass, wake up, open your eyes and leave that boy, just stop and breathe for a second. I know it’s hard and your radar’s tweaked to that Asshole Frequency, but just stop. If the guys you’re still attracted to seem eerily similar to your ex, THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE THE EXACT SAME TYPE OF SPEICES!!! Do not go to them! If you partied a lot, then don’t party for a while. If the ass you left was some goth guy into candles and piercings, hang out in well-lit rooms for a while and stay near magnets. If you met your ex when he was playing football, don’t go dating another jock!!! This is perhaps one of the hardest parts of growing up; learning from your past mistakes. Extracting only the wisdom from your experience and nothing else. My adivce is to simply be alone after a hard break up. This does not mean going out, fucking a different guy every week, not being with a guy and calling it "being alone". That’s called being single and reckless. Some may call it fun. But it’s only fun when the other person only wants a one night stand, and that doesn’t happen to often. And the more you do that, you’ll eventually run headfirst into drama. Don’t argue, you know it happens. Besides, when it’s all over and done with, do you feel better about yourself? No. In the end, no one who’s done that does. So if you finally break away into the fresh air of freedom, stand still and take a look around. You’ve got blue skies, new people and better choices. Take your time. Make friends. And then pick someone who meets the standards you had prior to your last relationship, before you were forced to lower them.

Five: Lesbians. Well, scratch that. They only bug me when they're beautiful. It's kind of like 

Apostatize.

"I hate L.A. and everything about it. I just do." -her, then 

"Ha." -me, now

A pin in it.

"Even if you could love her right - even if you could be the reason she smiled, or the consistency she needed, or the support she was missing - the most that her fear would ever allow you to be is "too good to be true." Because, to her, the memory of past pain is more important than opportunities and possibilities. 

"She's taken chances before you and doesn't have the time to see if you're different. Because even if you're incredible, she'll only see your flaws... and if you're genuine, she'll only see your mistakes. It's easier to complain than it is to change. So no matter how great you are, it's just a lot simpler to be scared than it is to step up. She's not ready for the work right now. And like it or not, thats just what you have to deal with when you're trying to love a heart you didn't break. 

"So if you aren't patient and prepared for the long ride, just quit while you're ahead. Because all she trusts is the game. And by the time you climb that wall, she'll have already moved her heart behind a taller one."

in statu quo res erant ante bellum.

Laying in bed, under covers, your ice-cold feet warming against my legs while I read "just one more chapter" of Catcher in the Rye to you until you fell asleep.

Then gently kissing your nose, silently wishing you sweet dreams, and turning out the light above our heads.

With the sound of the quiet city outside our window whispering on.

Envisage.

Despite the daily misconception among peers, there is, in fact, some thing that I do thank you for.

All the time.

It will come as no surprise to you that I am obsessed with the past; Why it happened, what could have been done differently, what events transpired that ultimately led me here, etc. And I analyze the present beyond normal social recognition, constantly weighing risk vs. profit, picking poisons, and justifying consequences with their respective actions.

However, what you allowed me to do - for the first time ever, with anyone - was to look ahead. With you, I was optimistic. I felt so confident with the substance and chemistry we had that I became excited about our possibilities. Excited enough that I began looking ahead: At what I finally had the freedom to become, now with someone not only supporting my decisions, but making me think and grow in new ways, and pushing me forward when I needed that nudge; And you, being with someone not trying to lock you down into a role, introducing you to new ideas, new perspectives, and someone that wouldn't let you slide, even if it meant wagging my finger at you or just grabbing your goddamn hand and pulling you back up onto my shoulders. The "team" dynamic and synergistic partnership had me so hopeful and excited about the future.

The future... The one thing I used to force myself to avoid looking at. Never hope for. Never plan around. It was always too uncertain, full of stories from everyone else about how "life has its way of changing your plans." And so I never bothered to look ahead. Only concerned myself about today. Building slowly, deliberately, one brick at a time.

But you had me seeing entire skylines.

The problem was that I was so enamored in our atmospheric potential that I became blinded by the present. In essence, I tripped over a rock while looking up at the sky. So many things I should have put a pin in as signs and red flags and confronted you about - or maybe even used as valid reasons for leaving you. But I set them aside with the intention of love, hoping you would see my patience and constantly unraveling slack as a gesture of my willingness to be flexible and understanding. I hoped the reward would be equal to my investment. That one day you'd wake up to the calm sea of you and I, look back behind us at the horizon of a fading storm and think, "Wow. He stayed with me through all of that. And he's still here. I guess he must truly love me."

But I never recieved that. You never got to that point. You came close, a few times. I'll admit. But in the end, you ran away again, spinning stories to friends and family, I'm sure, so they would tell you what you needed to hear to justify the way you treated me. Maybe it was unfair of me to be waiting for that moment.

Still, somewhere out there, wherever you moved and left to, I know I pop up in your mind. Maybe not every day anymore... maybe even just once a week... but I know I do. A song, a color, a joke, maybe even someone's voice, some trigger will remind you of me. And you'll remember I'm out here, your "abstract entity"... your mental twin... your shell... and you know what you did to me. No one else may know. Your new friends won't. Your new co-workers won't. Your new boys won't. But you will. At least, for the few flashes of a second it comes back to you before you blink, shake your bangs, and push it back down to forget it all.

You don't ever have to say you're sorry to me.

I don't need it anymore.

I just miss having a future.

Ignition initiation.

"Do you remember our first kiss?"

"That was like... six or seven years ago? Eight? No."

"Well, I kissed you."

"Well, yeah, I never kiss a girl first. Or ask a girl out. Just not what I do."

"Yeah, I had to kiss you. It was so cute. You were so nervous. Like this scared, little puppy. You were so adorable."

"Ha."

"It was weird, because you're usually so... so... like, in command. Like so..."

...

"...alpha! You're usually such an alpha male. Like this big bear or wolf or something. But suddenly there you were, just timid. And it melted my heart."

"You have no idea the deja vu I'm having right now."

"But once you get the green light... yeah. You turn on."

"...you have no idea the deja vu I'm having right now."

Wicked.

Post.

"To the girl who has replaced me..."

"To the girl who has replaced me... 

"There are a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of your guy's affection.

"First of all, don't be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don't be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you're just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you say. He can easily pick out a dissimilar tone in your voice and he'll try in every way to make you smile, and if you don't, he'll become upset if you refuse to tell him what's wrong.

"He hurts easily, especially by the painful words or actions a careless girl will say or do. If you do hurt him, then you'll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his gorgeous, deep-brown eyes, and watching the light in them fade. You'll also have to hear the sharp tone and possible crack in his voice, because he, unlike most guys, cares enough about you that he just may try to hide his hurt. If this happens, all is not lost-- a kiss, an "I'm sorry" and an "I love you" can heal almost anything. And please, don't say "I love you" to him, unless you honestly mean it. Nothing hurts him more than someone who really doesn't care.

"Most of the time, he won't tell you what he is feeling, but… just know that he's protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn't right, just look into his amazing eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn't right with him. He won't ever try to hurt you, because he just isn't that way, so please, don't hurt him, because if you do, I don't think I could ever forgive you. I don't think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the guy that I love and knowing that you hurt him.

"You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, make sure to pick only the ones that are worth fighting for; he will almost always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling. He likes a small fight every now and then-- he likes to watch your face light up in frustration, because he knows that the second he plants a kiss on your lips, nothing about the argument will matter anymore. He may become slightly jealous when you mention other guys, but don't mistake that to be controlling or overbearing-- he just worries that you may leave him for somebody "better than him" (although we both know that there is nobody "better than him").

"Though he may act mature 99.9% of the time, you'll find that once he's given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile in a way that words just can't explain. Don't hold a tight grip on him; let him be a part of the world so he can experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and he is very much independent. Sometimes, he'll need his space, especially when he has things to think about, but don't worry-- he'll always make time for you and even when you're not around, you'll be in his thoughts. And you must be patient when he takes his time to think, but just know that he'll always come back to you when he's ready.

"He may become impatient at times-- waiting has never been his best forte. You will find that he isn't like any other guy that you have met, so please don't take him for granted. When it comes to his money, don't take advantage of that, because he will be so unselfish with it-- that's just the way he is.

"Remember, he likes brunettes over blondes, pizza or cereal will always win over steak or burgers, Everclear will always be his favorite band, he is able to recite every line from almost every song from the 1990s, and even though he won't admit it, he really does like to be surprised. He is less tough than he may appear-- you just have to take the time to let him bring down his guard. He is so sweet and so amazing, and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart as I sit here writing this to you.

"Don't ever try to pull him away from his dreams-- he is going to be an extremely successful musician and teacher, and he won't ever let you give up on your dreams, either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and he will never, ever let you down.

"He likes it when you kiss his neck and nothing is better than just being with him. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his, and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the only girl he loves, you will know that there isn't any guy in the world better than him.

"Don't ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time…

"I promise, you will."

- Lindsey B., November 29, 2006

35 things

1. Does the toilet paper go over or under the roll?

2. Cats? Dogs? Both?

3. Can you eat breakfast for dinner?

4. Cold pizza: yes or no?

5. Is it acceptable to open presents as they arrive or do you have to wait for the actual birthday or holiday?

6. Should the dirty forks and knives go in the dishwasher with the handle sticking out of the utensil tray or down in the utensil tray?

7. Is it acceptable to leave dishes in the sink to "soak" overnight, or do they need to be cleaned before bed?

8. Toothpaste: cap on or cap off?

9. Again on the toothpaste: roll it from the bottom or just squeeze really hard?

10. Are towels a one-time use item or do you use the same towel until laundry day?

11. How about washcloths?

12. Road trip or flying?

13. What's the right thread count for sheets?

14. What brand of toilet paper?

15. Mayo or Miracle Whip?

16. Pepsi or Coke?

17. Can you eat the holiday candy out in the display bowl or must it be left there for display?

18. What is YOUR definition of camping?

19. Turn the thermostat down when you go out or leave it alone?

20. At what point is a garbage bag too full to stuff more trash in it?

21. How many times is it acceptable to hit the snooze button?

22. Thrift store shopping: great deals or gross?

23. How far in advance is it OK to plan a vacation?

24. Restaurant reservations: necessary or too restrictive?

25. Roller coasters: love 'em or hate 'em?

26. More chocolate chips, less cookie or more cookie, less chips?

27. How much orange juice must be left in the container for it to be returned to the fridge?

28. Chip clips or just roll the bag up?

29. Call the doctor or just take some medicine at home?

30. Where is the prime location for the TV remote to stay?

31. Is it OK to have a TV in the bedroom?

32. Should folded clothes be put away, or is it OK to just pull as needed from the basket of clean laundry?

33. Do you need to write a grocery list or just wait until you're walking around the store to figure out what you need?

34. Making the bed: must-do or waste of time because you're just going to get back in it?

35. Is it OK to shave/clip toenails in the living room?