Still seems a tad optimistic.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	2.9
Mind:	2.1
Body:	2.5
Spirit:	3.5
Friends/Family:	2.6
Love:	Not enough information
Finance:	2.4
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Fuckin' cheers.

O.C.D.

Serendipity

One day it'll happen.

You'll be standing in line. And you'll see a baby. Just there. Over his mom's shoulder. Quiet. Staring at you with blue eyes. You'll smile at it and think about how cute it is. And something deep inside you won't... immediately dismiss the sentiment of maybe - just maybe - one day becoming a mother.

And over the following weeks, months, and years, you'll start to feel the urge to want to know what it's like to truly have something of your own. Something created inside of you. To experience sharing life with something that can learn from you, 24/7. Grow up next to you. Depend on you. And, later, thank you for all you've done, as you do with your own mother. You'll start thinking about settling down, committing, and finally letting go of that glacier of cynicism that had once poisoned your emotional progress.

And whatever guy you're with at that time will reap all the benefits of your maturing, softening heart. Of your growth. Of your eventual retrospect. Of your wiser philosophies and calmer, pastoral outlook on life. He won't be any different from other guys. He won't possess anything you haven't seen before. And he certainly will not have been there through your darkest hours, your most difficult nights, or your most outrageous and unfair moments. He will not have earned you in any way other than simply coming into the general vicinity of your life after you're all fixed up, shiny and better.

He will enjoy the heat of your fire without ever having to build the pile, or spark the flame himself.

He'll just... be around at the right time.

One day, it'll happen.

'Cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out.

No one is going to save you. 

No one has the time to really care about you. Prayers will not fix your problems. 

Another person won't make you feel whole. Very few people have the time to act like friends, and most people secretly want you to fail. They all talk behind your back. Nobody can truly catch you. Everyone is busy. The world, by and large, doesn't give a damn about you. You are on your own. There is no backup. There are no mulligans. There are no reinforcements coming. 

You just have to get fed up, pissed off, and take it all out on Life, hell-bent on revenge for everything that it's taken from you, wrestle it to the ground, and step on it's throat on your way up.

The real world doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe it any mercy.

Kill it. Kill it to live on.

Appreciations.

"You made me confident in myself that it's okay to be me. You gave me hope. Hope that there are good people out there. Hope in life and love and good things. You wrapped it up in a pretty package with a shiny ribbon on it and... I ignored it. I abused it, neglected it. I refused it. I refused to see it. And you just... wrapped it up again and made it glow. You made me see it. That's something... no one else has ever done.

"So... thank you for that."

Hashtag, ditto...

Ainmosni.

I don't dream so much as I begrudgingly become a slave to memories. My reality has yet to surpass the nostalgia of my recent experiences... no matter how painful they ultimately became.

So I fight the urge to sleep the same way a hero in a book scrambles across a tipping trap floor, looking for anything to grasp, as the world tilts him into the abyss below. To fall asleep means to lose control of the mind, and where my mind goes is a place that reminds me of all the perfect moments I am no longer privy to.

 This is not insomnia.

It's survival.

30 Rock On

Just An Abstract Entity

I confess there are times - many times - mornings, sometimes at 1, 2 or 3am, after dropping off friends that live right around that intersection - when I catch myself looking up at your loft window on the third floor. Sometimes it's dark, blinds closed, windows shut. And figure you're out drinking with your new friends or a new guy. Or if you've packed up and moved away.

But every now and then the light will be on, blinds still twisted open... and I can see a new plant you've added and placed on the sill, turned to collect the afternoon sun. I see that rose bush and wonder if the baby spiders it had when you bought it still bother you. And sometimes I wonder why your light is still on at all at such a late hour. Are you reading a book? Did you fall asleep with it on? Are you simply afraid of being alone in the dark? Or are you not alone at all, and you're entertaining another man in your bed, all in the name of "comfort" and "having fun while you're still young", as the adage goes?

But more than that, I look up because I fondly remember.

I remember so many times that I would wake up next to you and watch you sleep with the morning light on your face. And I would make us coffee and look out that very same window, down at the world just beginning to stir; The city itself waking up, slowly grinding like the first spin of a ferris wheel, straining to gain momentum. One car per red light. Then two. Then five. And then within an hour or so, the intersection was buzzing with people and newspapers and the clip-clop of high heels and the incessant beeping of the crosswalk signs.

I remember sitting next to that window at night and looking down at all the people, feeling sorry for everyone out there. Sorry for them because they simply had no idea the magic that was happening up here. None of them knew of the beautiful woman that lived up here and all the power and grace she could wield, if it weren't for her equally powerful vulnerabilities and flaws. And this force of nature was sleeping next to me. Wanting me there. Wanting me to stay. Glad I was there. Calling me her shell. I looked at the world through that very window and felt pity for them; For they all went about their days and night, crossing streets, driving, grumbling to themselves, late for something, trying to find a place to park, standing in line for food... unaware of what goes on up here, in Brittany Marie Conrad's room.

But now, I look up. And now... I am one of those people. The same ant I once pitied. Seeing a light on - often the only one still on in the entire complex - and oblivious of what's happening up there in that room. I gaze up at it like a green light in the mist on the shore across a lake. I'm on the outside now. Outside looking up.

I'm on the other side of that window.

The difference, I suppose, is that I've been privy to the treasures inside that box; Both the blessings and the curses, and everything in between. And it's impossible to be angry and crushed without also feeling gratefulness and tremendous love. I guess nostalgia is a packaged deal.

I can imagine myself, still up there, looking down at me, watching me drive off into the night.

And that U-turn away is always painful.

Flying lessons.

 "Today I was thinking too...and I wanted to apologize for the times I've said, Move on...find someone else...don't answer her call..go out...do things. Having a little time (very little) to myself, I have no fucking idea what to even do when I am alone. So I can only imagine how you feel, and I am sorry for thinking it could be so easy. Cause I know it's really anything but that, it's tough. I needed to tell you and get it off my mind.    

Rest if possible, the days are flying by. Night G."

Perfection

Keeping The Roads Hot

Forever in the shadow of prior tree.

"I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire. 

I love you as certain dark things are loved - secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers. And thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth. 

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.  I love you simply, without problems or pride. I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."

How to deal with women: Just ignore the nail.

Shut Up About The Economy

Pundits love to tell us that the American economy is circling the drain due to the recession and politicians throwing money out the window like it's made of bees. To hear them say it, America is always just on the cusp of a Mad Max-style blasted hellscape.

But in the midst of all that doom and gloom, there are a whole bunch of very smart people saying that things aren't nearly as bad as the inflammatory headlines make it look. Now, I'm not saying they're right (spoiler alert: nobody can actually predict the economy), but there's no reason why we should always assume the pessimists are right, either. So if nothing else, it will improve your mood a bit to hear ...

No, China Isn't on the Verge of Owning America

The myth:
American spending is so off the charts that President Obama has to fly to China every year and beg on his hands and knees for the Chinese president to lend America money. With the Chinese owning most of America's debt, it's only a matter of time before China asks for their money back and we all become slaves to the dastardly communists, because that's totally how it works.

The reality:
First of all, China only owns 8 percent of the total U.S. debt. That's not enough to repossess Rhode Island, let alone the whole United States. And Washington isn't begging China for money, either. The debt that we owe to China comes from treasury bonds, which are kind of like IOUs, which they buy because it helps to keep China's currency low, which is better for trade. And because they sell so much shit to America, China basically has to buy our debt as a way to unload the trillions of American dollars we're giving them.

"That'll be $4 trillion dollars, please."

Also, for those worried about China swinging their economic dick around, China can't just recall their debt. First of all, you can't do that with treasury bonds, and even in a fictitious world where you could, it would be economic suicide for China. What, you thought the "debt" was money they lent because they felt sorry for the U.S. and wanted to bail them out, like lending your buddy $30 until payday? Nope. They buy debt because it's a good deal for them.

And while it's easy to panic about the amount of debt that America owes to other countries, people forget that the U.S. buys other countries' debt too, so much that it almost cancels out the issue entirely. For every dollar the U.S. owes a foreign country, it is owed 89 cents in foreign debt. America actually makes more money off of buying other people's debt than other people make buying theirs. And rest assured, those countries are probably also running terrifying ads about cackling American students making fun of their economy.

No, American Manufacturing Isn't Dead

The myth:
All the stuff on your desk right now, how much of it was made in America? How about the clothes on your back? Between Japanese electronics and fabrics made in Asian sweatshops, it seems like we import everything. Mom and Dad will remind you that there once was a time when America ruled the world of manufacturing, but then the cold dark eternal winter came in the form of developing economies stealing all of those jobs.

Nowadays, every factory in America is an abandoned graveyard with a permanent ominous black cloud hanging overhead, and the only thing the Midwest produces is clinical depression.

The reality:
Although China managed to edge the U.S. off of the top seat in manufacturing in 2012, American manufacturing is still a powerhouse. In fact, America's manufacturing output is stronger than ever - it has actually doubled since 1970, and is continuing to climb. And U.S. manufacturing broke record profits in 2011, and manufacturing output is currently 35 percent above pre-recession levels. It just takes fewer people to make all of that stuff because of robots. If you want to get mad at somebody, get mad at them.

So why can't you find anything in your house that's made in America? Because America makes supercomputers and jumbo jets, while countries like China produce all of your cheap consumer stuff. Cheap-labor countries base their manufacturing on having a ton of people who can sit in factories for 18 hours a day assembling iPods. America's manufacturing is centered on its high intellectual capital, which produces more skilled workers able to make far more advanced things with far fewer people. It's estimated that American workers are almost six times more productive than Chinese workers. That's why, in 2009, American manufacturing produced more than China with less than half the workers.

And while the recession may have wreaked havoc on Detroit, the auto industry is also coming back with a vengeance. As of now, the auto industry is on track to reach its record-breaking 2007 sales, and the two companies that received government bailouts? Have paid them back. It won't result in as many high-paying union manufacturing jobs as the "good old days" because, well, we've gotten way more efficient at making things.

Yeah, Illegal Immigrants Appear to Be Helping the Economy

The myth:
Every year, thousands of illegal immigrants pole vault over the southern border and run free in these United States, feeding off the government teat. Once here, not only do they take jobs from honest, hard-working Americans, but they also suck all the money out of social services and don't pay taxes. It's obvious that, if we ever want to get out of this economic slump, we have to round each and every immigrant up, ship 'em all back to Mexico (even the ones that didn't come from Mexico), and fortify the American border with lasers and electric eels.

The reality:
The idea is that these impoverished people cross over, live off the grid, and soak up America's precious tax dollars. But actually it's estimated that illegal immigrants pay $15 billion a year into social services and only take $1 billion out of it. Social services actually relies on illegals' taxes to help the system remain solvent.
How the hell is that possible? Well, for one thing, you can't exist in America without paying taxes - just by living here and buying things, you're paying sales and property taxes. It's true that some immigrants aren't paying income taxes (in America, if your income is low enough, you aren't paying taxes anyway), but somewhere between 50 percent and 75 percent are. On the other hand, very few illegals are able to benefit from Social Security because it's really hard to get it without a legitimate Social Security number.

And then you have the "they're taking our jobs" narrative, but for the most part, illegal immigrants are taking jobs that Americans just won't do - farmers who want to hire Americans are often unable to find people willing to do the work. In Alabama, after they enacted tough new laws to drive out the illegal immigrants, the poultry industry went into crisis because legal Americans would rather be unemployed than spend their days carving up chicken parts.

Then there's the argument that illegals drive down wages, because they're basically willing to work for peanuts, right? Well, it's true that illegal immigrants lower wages somewhere between 0.4 percent and 7.4 percent for low-skilled workers, but for the rest of America, there is virtually no impact on wages. In fact, immigrants actually increase the income of American families a small amount. By taking on the grunt work that Americans don't want to do, immigrants free up skilled workers to do more of the work that they're paid higher wages for.

Boil it down, and the majority of economists agree that illegal immigrants have a net positive effect on the economy. Which seems hard to argue against - if they're "taking our jobs," it means they're working, and getting paid, and spending that money. That isn't bad for the economy - that is the economy.
But while I'm stepping into hot-button issues ...

No, Deficits Aren't Always Bad

The myth:
It's a simple principle - if you make $2 and spend $5, then you are $3 in debt and need to tighten your purse strings, Spendy McSpenderson. But Obama and Congress must have been four hours into a rampant coke binge when this very simple concept was explained to the rest of us and they can't seem to get it through their heads. We're in a recession, and yet they still choose to run deficits, because they're big-spending nanny state socialist wackjobs.

The reality:
The big problem when trying to understand deficit and budget stuff is that everyone wants to compare it to their own household budget (a favorite tactic of pundits). It's understandable that people want to try to simplify the issue, but this is one of those times when simplifying makes it wrong.

While it seems absurd to think that a country, a business, or anyone else can "spend their way out of hard times" (because it sounds like a drunk spending more money on gin in order to forget the problems caused by yesterday's gin), for every government, running a deficit is just something they have to do when the economy is bad in order to keep it from getting worse.

It works like this: When the economy goes into recession, people obviously have less money. That means the government has to cut taxes to give people a break. That means less revenue, and on top of that, the government has to spend more on unemployment benefits, food stamps, and such because a lot more people need them now. So basically the government has less money and higher bills. And you want the government to keep spending that money, not because we're all communists who want to be enslaved by Big Brother, but because that spending helps the government to stabilize the downfall.

The biggest problem with an economic downturn is the potential for a death spiral - you lose your job, so you don't have money to spend at McDonald's, then McDonald's closes and all those people lose their jobs, then they don't have the money to spend at the grocery store, then it closes, etc. The government, however, can use its borrowing power to break that chain reaction - you lose your job, but you have food stamps, which you spend at the grocery store, so it doesn't have to close and its employees can keep drawing paychecks. That way you don't get into a situation where everyone is out of work at once - you keep things afloat until people can find work again.

Then once things have turned around - and this is key - you start paying those deficits back. Oh, look at this - the U.S. deficit has been slashed by a third just over the last few months. How about that.

But the point is, this is why the political arguments about the deficit tend to be somewhat full of shit - it's not a war between the hard-working private sector and the evil oppressive big government. It's about how much money the government should pump into the private sector to keep it afloat, versus how much debt it can take on.

Which finally brings me to...

No, America Doesn't Have a Debt Crisis (Not Yet, Anyway)

The myth:
The United States is spending money like a lottery winner with terminal cancer and racking up debt much faster than it can repay it. The U.S. now owes $16 trillion, a number so high, we don't even know how many zeroes that is. Politicians frequently use a bunch of fancy graphs to highlight the fact that America is running headlong into financial ruin. Washington, they say, is going to have to curb its spending fast or else we're going to wind up like Greece - utter collapse, followed by rioting in the streets (as a common talking point goes).

The reality:
The raw number is mind-boggling, but that number only matters when compared to the size of the economy. For instance, if you personally wound up $20 million in debt, your only option would be faking your own death and starting a new life in some foreign land. Donald Trump, on the other hand, takes on $20 million in debt on impulse purchases he barely notices. It all comes down to how rich you are, and the U.S. economy is the Donald Trump in that scenario (the total assets of the USA are around $200 trillion).

So for instance, one way to measure just how screwed a country is involves measuring public debt against gross domestic product (to compare their debt to their economy). For the U.S., that ratio is 73 percent, which seems high, but it means we're in better shape than Germany, the United Kingdom, Canada, and other countries you don't think of as being on the verge of getting their land repossessed (Japan, for example, is at 214 percent).

Hm. I have no idea why.

The other important thing isn't the amount of money that the government owes, but rather the interest on that amount, which is what it actually pays back. That isn't very much, considering that interest rates are at historic lows - it's very cheap for the U.S. to borrow right now. Also remember that a growing economy can turn the situation around fast - the government took on a lot of debt during World War II, but the growth of the economy afterward made the debt irrelevant.

Now, again, this isn't a "free government jet skis for everybody!" situation. For instance, there is a real problem with the population getting older and the fact that old people are expensive to take care of. But the U.S. is not Greece - the danger is less "Road Warrior apocalypse" and more "higher taxes, later retirement, and possible inflation."

None of those are good things, but let's not abuse the word "crisis" here. It's okay to step back, take a deep breath, and appreciate that things could be much, much worse.

Also, let's remember who put us here.

Ahem.

The "Power" of Prayer