.snap.

 

deep within this head of mine... hiding inside these fingers... hibernating with my heart... lie words and sounds with the power to affect everyone; an untapped faucet of power and compassion wanders lost in the days of my life.

there is so much more than this for me. my desires outweigh my grasp, my true meaning revolves beyond my reach. i get the feeling my hopes mocks me.

"getting by" never has been a plan of mine.

i prefer to thrive than survive; in career, in love, in friends, in status and in all aspects of life that involve change and purpose. what will awaken my true ability? a goal? a worthy motive? another person to love? to impress? to carry? perhaps failure itself?

those who have never met me believe me to be amazing.

those who have think differently.

how can they all be wrong?

If there's a master plan, so far, I don't get it.

May angels let you in.

The balance between vengeance and penance

Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge. 

On God if they can't find anyone else.

But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the "Drowning Man Trial". There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He's taken out on the water and he's dropped. He's bound so that he can't swim. The family of the dead then has to choose: They can let him drown, or they can save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn't always just; That very act can take away their sorrow.

Vengeance...

...is a lazy form of grief.

Socialburn

"There seems to be a misconception about Neil that most individuals perhaps take for granted. He seems to shy away from common contact with people in general, yet is keenly aware of society and highly observant of it's flaws; a symptom we in my line of work diagnose as "social burn". He is active with people and the world around him, but not through typical mediums. Neil has a tendency to become brutally honest when cornered in conversation (as I have found out through repeated attempts at drawing out his honest feelings in terms of his own life). Obtaining true opinions from Neil is extremely difficult; He will virtually always "clip on" pure logic and statistical figures to his answers, making it seem as though he had no other choice but to come to that particular conclusion. He hides his opinions in otherwise normal circumstances. This could be attributed to numerous reasons, whether it being home life, friends, past romantic involvements, school trauma or perhaps all of the above. Further questioning revealed nothing significant. It is in this doctor's opinion that his clever yet elusive refusals to disclose anything helpful with his personal self stilfes the possibility of progressing with the patient.

"Neil does possess an innate ability to understand the motives of the person talking to him and the underlying current of the situation. This has become both a blessing and a burden to him since he characteristically dwells on the hidden meanings and unsaid of people. This may come off as distrusting or perhaps "shady" as his father puts it, but I believe it stems from the opposite. He has spoken to me on several occasions of the people he truly feels he loves in his life. He mentioned only a few, but when asked who he trust he replied, "Pretty much everyone." When probed further, he said, "Anybody can be trusted if you know how far you can trust them to begin with," or some comment to that extent. This would explain why he insists on learning about others long before he bestows his own personal information on them. He also admitted a lack of sleep as a deep concern to those around him. Neil confided that he is constantly thinking and mulling over others situations and his own losses, keeping him awake. By virtually obsessing over other friends and family situations and problems, it has become the only way he can still feel connected to them and their lives, despite the notion that he rarely - if ever - tells them his own. Therefore, by him attempting to understand a friend beyond what they say and do, he is simply trying to connect with them on his own level, since he knows far beforehand that he will never be able to tell them what he is thinking. He develops his own personal trust, just below the other person's radar. A quote I found amusing during a session with one of his friends, Christopher Bell told me prior to the meeting, "If you want to learn about yourself, talk to Neil. If you want to learn about Neil, ask to someone else."

"Moreover, the patient has a tendency to adapt and become comfortable in a wide variety of topics. But by doing so, his confidence level rises, and he becomes very alert and aware and almost comes off as "smug". His sarcastic tendencies surface and can be extremely stand-offish. As the control of the conversation shifts, Neil will very quietly pick and test the other person, feeling his way around their thought process. But again, he never engages it with malice. He is, quite simply, a very curious creature. I believe, however, that he very seriously needs to understand how to go about learning about someone, and that doing so is a two-way street. My advise is perhaps for Gino and Cindy enroll in some professional classes and convey the lessons to their child, who deeply needs love in some form or fashion. This is why he so easily calls mothers of other friends "Mom" instead of "Mrs. Muller", "Mrs. Maldanado", or "Mrs. Schula." He feels little to no emotional connection with his maternal mother. Conversations adhering to this subject were denied and avoided constantly. As were his romantic involvements or lack thereof.

"In conclusion, Neil is as complicated as he is simple. Complicated being his methods, simple being his intentions. I never picked up on a malicious or malevolent tone or phrase during our past 18 months of sessions with Neil. There seems to be a lot of emotion and positive energy inside of him. But he was never properly taught how to share it with others in society. I feel, as a professional, I have reached my limit with the patient in terms of responses and reacting. He has a grasp of my techniques and methods and deftly avoids questions and constantly appears bored with the program and myself. Perhaps another can aide him and his family further, but I can no longer. I wish Neil the best of luck and enjoyed working with him. May his genius never go to waste."

File -0098349

-Mrs. Sarchet, psychologist, 1998


[I went out to the front garage to get some bottled water and there was this box just above the Cadillac that said "Neil's". I never thought much of it 'cause like, usually it's toys from when I was a kid or some school work or report cards that I never want to see again. But I was bored and had nothing to do, so I climbed over and pulled it out. I found a manila folder with some records in it from when I had Mrs. Sarchet as a psychologist. Social services requested I do so when my mother and I got into a fight and she broke my collar bone and I broke her nose.]

To What It May Concern

I regret to inform the real world that I refuse to become bitter about society and all of it's meandering politicians. I will never base my mood and outlook of the day on gas prices and all the negativity the local news regurgitates from the television. I won't marginalize love and all of its peculiarities and power.

I will never forget what it was like to be a kid, fighting tooth and nail for self respect among other kids every day of my life and treasuring the friendship and laughs they gave me. I will never cast off a serious problem with a simple, "Life's unfair," and expect the world to side with me. And the older I get will not run parallel with how jaded I become with the fading beauty of life's infinite momentum forward, with or without me. Age will not temper my curiosity. If being angry at our world - human, animal, and nature alike - constitutes as being mature, then I refuse to grow up.

In short: I may add wrinkles, pounds and years, but my heart will always be young.

So give it your best shot, life. I won't trade hope for senility.

Regards,

-N.

Idiosyncrasies

•  Those soda’s you get from fast food places with those plastic lids? I always pop in every single one of those bubbles.

•  When I walk around college or work (or anywhere really), half the time I don’t hear conversations. Sometimes when people are speaking to another person, I hear two lyrics, back and forth. And I’ll hum their words in my head.

•  I read in the bathroom. Magazine, book, shampoo bottle, toothpaste ingredients, whatever. No input, no output.

•  A woman’s laugh is very important to me. You can tell a lot from it.

•  I leave the conditioner in my hair twice as long as I leave in the shampoo.

•  I still jump on my bed.

•  Math is not hard for me. But I still hate it with the passionate fire of a thousand suns.

"And this is why Eve ignored Adam for so long."

•  I often wonder if Jesus was good at sex. They say he was a "perfect being" but he never had sex with anyone. Ever. So I wonder. I mean, how good could a virgin guy be? Females don’t have to worry too much about experience either way: They’re always good. You’re not going to hear of a guy avoiding sex with a woman because it’s "bad". Even if it’s bad, it’s still damn good. She can just lay there and he won't complain. Women are the ones who constantly need sex to get better, more exciting. Guys have a lot to deal with when pleasing a woman.





•  For a talent show on a cruise to Australia, I sang the theme song for Gilligan's Island.

•  And I won.

•  I still think Michael Jackson was one of the most talented people to have ever lived.

•  I hate it when you feel like sneezing and then you don’t.

•  Once in a while, if I’m in a wide open area like a parking lot, I’ll start skipping.

•  Sometimes I like to finish solitaire on the computer all the way up to the last King and leave the computer running overnight and then finish it the next morning; just to see how low of a score I can get.

•  I put the heart and diamond piles to the right and the club and spade piles to the left.

•  I loathe my singing voice.

•  The night is the only time I can write.

•  I like to see how long it takes me to make a complete fist right when I wake up.

•  I like to try to remember the exact position I was in when I woke up. But I never can.

•  I like to watch Sesame Street at least once a month.

•  I drink the last of the milk straight out of the bowl.

•  I’m a mutt. I am eight different nationalities.

•  For every friend I know I have at least 10 songs that remind me of them.

•  You can tell my mood by listening to the song I play on my guitar when I’m alone.

•  I bite my bottom lip when I’m frustrated.

•  Sometimes I cough lightly when I never really had to.

•  I sing better at night.

•  I have severe stage fright.

•  I like writing songs about painful issues with a pop melody you can dance to.

•  I loved the movie Labyrinth, and had a crush on Jennifer Connelly when I was little.

•  I’ll never have the courage to go up to a girl and introduce myself.

•  Death doesn’t scare me. But tomorrow does.

•  I believe in God but wish I understood anything he did.

•  I believe in love but wish I understood anything it did.

•  The only way to get into a pool is to jump in. I can't walk in.

•  I never, ever, ever try new foods. I’ve never had a bagel or a strawberry. Or a Dorito. Or a salad. Or a cheeseburger. Or chili. Or any sandwich besides a peanut butter and jelly. I could go on but this is sad enough as it is.

* I have a hard time using sexual terms in general conversation. I use clever hand gestures.

* I love the physical aspect of playing football and the athleticism of basketball.

* I hate fighting.

* I am 48-3 in fights in my life.

* I will never start a fight.

* Sometimes I wonder if, when I get to Heaven, if God will have a movie made and edited about my life and all it’s key moments.

* I can moonwalk.

•  I thoroughly enjoy Shakespeare.

•  I miss Mr. Rogers.

•  I bite my nails. When someone tells me to stop and that it’s a bad habit, I lie and tell them I’m doing it for my guitar.

•  Whenever I didn’t good grades in school, my dad would always give me a stern lecture and scolding. On top of that, he’d always compare me to Mr. Abraham Lincoln. "Neil," he said. "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was walking twelve miles just to get to his school!" In the back of my mind, I always thought: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President!"

•  I wore a sheet with holes in it on Halloween one year and told everyone that I wasn’t a ghost, but a mattress.

•  I only sing in the car if all the windows are up.

•  I can be stubborn.

•  Yes I can.

•  Yes I can.

•  Yes I can.

•  Oh, yes I can.

• I am a perfectionist.

•  I tend to make lists about unimportant things.


- HKR

Women's feet are smaller so they can stand closer to the stove.

After a little trip to the mall this afternoon and a quick stroll through Hot Topic, I came back inspired. And I did a little research. His name is Todd Goldman, but I like to think of him as a T-shirt genius. Why? Well, because Todd Goldman is the "brains" behind a line of boy-bashing T-shirts emblazoned with the slogans like these:

"Boys Are Stupid. Throw Rocks at Them!" (The image on the shirt shows a bunch of rocks flying through the air toward a stick-figure boy's head.)

"Lobotomy - How to Train Boys."

"Boys Cheat ... Cut Off Their Feet" (The T-shirt shows a girl holding a bloody butcher knife while the footless boy "stands" in a pool of blood.)

"Boys Are Stupid - Run Them Over."

"Boys Are Smelly ... Kick Them in the Belly!" (The girl in this one, as you might imagine, is doing just what the T-shirt says.)

"Boys Make Good Pets, Everyone Should Own One."

"Stupid Factory - Where Boys Are Made."

I was watching an interview with Goldman and they asked him if he had an obligation to consider the impact of the products on young boys. "No," was his answer. In fact, when people raise objections to his boy-bashing T-shirts, it makes him laugh - all the way to the bank. "I couldn't pay for this press," he said.

You see, it's nothing personal. Just business.

The fact is that we live in a time when it's become okay to belittle not only men, but future men. Never mind that in almost every negative statistical category - from failure in school to suicide - boys today are in worse shape than girls, and the gap is only increasing. Feminism has made it okay for women - and a certain kind of man - to laugh at boys. Oh, but for a male to do the same would be a chauvinistic.

And these days there are all sorts of entrepreneurs out there cashing in on the boy-bashing craze. One of them is a guy named Jim Benton, an artist and children's author who puts his put-downs on all sorts of things you can buy, like stickers and notebooks and air fresheners and clothing and who knows what else. His main character is a happy bunny icon that says things like, "You suck big time," and "Hi, scumbag." But Jim also sells stuff that say, "Boys lie and kind of stink." You wonder if he'd do a line of girl-bashing shirts or stickers or air fresheners that say, "Little Girls Are Bitter And Confused And Grow Up To Be Angry Feminists"? Surely, you jest.

But maybe I'm taking this stuff too seriously. Maybe these T-shirts really are funny. Maybe they're so funny that Benton and Goldman should expand their product lines so they can make even more money. So here are a few suggestions, which I offer to them free of charge:

"Black People Are Stupid."

"Jews Are Smelly. Kick Them In Their Belly."

"Stupid Factory - Where Mexicans Are Made."

"Homos Make Good Pets, Everyone Should Own One."

Hilarious, don't ya think? And besides, it's nothing personal, just business.