i dont want a woman who thinks the alignment of stars dictate her mood,
or that the planets justify her behavior.
i dont want a woman who consults crystals for advice,
tarot cards for guidance,
or thinks she can see the color of my aura to define my energy.
i dont want a woman who thinks men are awful, incapable of good,
part of the "oppressive patriarchy" that have no use any longer,
and that masculinity is "toxic".
i dont want a woman who has enjoys it when i pay for dates when we go out,
opens doors for her,
buys her gifts on holidays,
birthdays,
and anniversaries,
givs her massages every night,
maks dinner for her,
does all the chores when shes had a long day,
and listens to any problems she might have...
...but then feels its beneath her to do any of those in return, because she's not my "slave".
i dont want a woman who talks about the universe as if it has a will of its own,
and uses the word "manifest" interchangeably with "planning",
as if just hoping for something a lot will make it real one day.
i dont want a woman who thinks all of her exes were narcissists or sociopaths,
without first considering the common thread.
i dont want a trump supporter.
or someone anti-abortion.
or way too into guns.
or flat-earther.
or anti-vaxxer.
or pothead.
or alcoholic.
i dont want a woman who thinks body counts dont matter because its "just a number".
its not.
its reflective of so, so much more.
i dont want a woman who shifts into victim mode and throws around the term "gaslighting" in any discussion where shes wrong
so she can avoid be proven wrong
because shed rather try to make me a villain instead of admit something or accept a difficult fact.
i dont want a woman who slaps me when shes angry,
pushes me,
hits me,
screams at me,
claws at me,
or punches me...
but says it shouldnt matter because "shes a girl and im a guy and it doesnt hurt me, so stop being a little bitch."
(it always hurt me.)
i dont want a woman who is a "boss queen".
i dont care if she makes more than me.
triple what i make.
or quadruple.
...or half.
or no money at all.
i am not intimidated by your income. i welcome it.
and if she makes less - or none - ill compensate for it and take care of her.
but an irritating, demeaning, condescending woman
who thinks neglecting and berating me is the same as having power?
or think having an brash, rude, ego is required
in order to be competent and successful in life?
no.
that doesnt intimidate me.
that drains my sanity.
because then im spending every ounce of my free time navigating the blind hubris
of what amounts to a spoiled 10-year old mind in the body of an adult.
because if i argue back and win,
then im an asshole.
and i dont win anyway.
i want a woman who is compassionate.
caring.
loving.
soft.
kind.
generous.
a woman can be all of those things AND be successful at whatever they do.
i want kids.
i want a family.
i want a christmas tree that i put presents under at 4 in the morning when the kids are asleep.
i want to surprise her with vacations.
i want a pet we get together and name together.
i want to get a call from the school saying my kid is sick, so i take off from work and spend the rest of the day with them.
i want her to fill in my gaps, teach me the things she knows about life and the world that i dont.
i want to her to fall asleep on me 10 minutes into the movie we spent 3 hours deciding on.
i want us to juggle finances. be late on bills. pay off a house. have a joint account.
i want to be far away from my own family and her not judge me for it, or buy in to the myth of, "you can judge a man based on his relationship with his mother".
because, no. you cant.
the world is an insane, brutal, and unforgiving place.
friends can leave,
family can destroy,
co-workers can betray,
and the outside world doesnt care about me on any level.
but the woman im with
needs to be at least the one place in this big chaotic universe where i can find peace.
a hug.
a lap to lay down on.
a kiss.
not another set of arguments and accusations as soon as i come home.
i want a place where i can be vulnerable
share my pain
my past
the abuse
my family
my exes
everything
and her not hold it against me.
but instead appreciate that i trusted her enough to open up to her, and only her
and to be thankful that i survived all these decades
because all of it made me the person i am right in front of her.
i want to be her rock.
i want to be the person she brags about to her coworkers when they see my picture.
i want to be the person she comes to when she needs anything.
i want to protect her.
our kids.
our pets.
i want to be nervous dropping off our daughter at prom.
i want to be stressed out watching the last 30 seconds of my sons ballgame.
i want to explain death to them when our goldfish dies.
talk about religion.
politics.
relationships.
even fucking astrology.
but that life... will never happen.
im too old now. too damaged.
too ugly.
too... gone.
but i was close
once.
ill have to be happy with that.
i guess.
