Tuesday, March 22, 2011

.snap.

 
deep within this head of mine... hiding inside these fingers... hibernating with my heart... lie words and sounds with the power to affect everyone; an untapped faucet of power and compassion wanders lost in the days of my life.

there is so much more than this for me. my desires outweigh my grasp, my true meaning revolves beyond my reach. i get the feeling my hopes mocks me.

"getting by" never has been a plan of mine.

i prefer to thrive than survive; in career, in love, in friends, in status and in all aspects of life that involve change and purpose. what will awaken my true ability? a goal? a worthy motive? another person to love? to impress? to carry? perhaps failure itself?

those who have never met me believe me to be amazing.

those who have think differently.

how can they all be wrong?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The balance between vengeance and penance

Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge. 

On God if they can't find anyone else.

But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the "Drowning Man Trial". There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He's taken out on the water and he's dropped. He's bound so that he can't swim. The family of the dead then has to choose: They can let him drown, or they can save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn't always just; That very act can take away their sorrow.

Vengeance...

...is a lazy form of grief.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Socialburn

"There seems to be a misconception about Neil that most individuals perhaps take for granted. He seems to shy away from common contact with people in general, yet is keenly aware of society and highly observant of it's flaws; a symptom we in my line of work diagnose as "social burn". He is active with people and the world around him, but not through typical mediums. Neil has a tendency to become brutally honest when cornered in conversation (as I have found out through repeated attempts at drawing out his honest feelings in terms of his own life). Obtaining true opinions from Neil is extremely difficult; He will virtually always "clip on" pure logic and statistical figures to his answers, making it seem as though he had no other choice but to come to that particular conclusion. He hides his opinions in otherwise normal circumstances. This could be attributed to numerous reasons, whether it being home life, friends, past romantic involvements, school trauma or perhaps all of the above. Further questioning revealed nothing significant. It is in this doctor's opinion that his clever yet elusive refusals to disclose anything helpful with his personal self stilfes the possibility of progressing with the patient.

"Neil does possess an innate ability to understand the motives of the person talking to him and the underlying current of the situation. This has become both a blessing and a burden to him since he characteristically dwells on the hidden meanings and unsaid of people. This may come off as distrusting or perhaps "shady" as his father puts it, but I believe it stems from the opposite. He has spoken to me on several occasions of the people he truly feels he loves in his life. He mentioned only a few, but when asked who he trust he replied, "Pretty much everyone." When probed further, he said, "Anybody can be trusted if you know how far you can trust them to begin with," or some comment to that extent. This would explain why he insists on learning about others long before he bestows his own personal information on them. He also admitted a lack of sleep as a deep concern to those around him. Neil confided that he is constantly thinking and mulling over others situations and his own losses, keeping him awake. By virtually obsessing over other friends and family situations and problems, it has become the only way he can still feel connected to them and their lives, despite the notion that he rarely - if ever - tells them his own. Therefore, by him attempting to understand a friend beyond what they say and do, he is simply trying to connect with them on his own level, since he knows far beforehand that he will never be able to tell them what he is thinking. He develops his own personal trust, just below the other person's radar. A quote I found amusing during a session with one of his friends, Christopher Bell told me prior to the meeting, "If you want to learn about yourself, talk to Neil. If you want to learn about Neil, ask to someone else."

"Moreover, the patient has a tendency to adapt and become comfortable in a wide variety of topics. But by doing so, his confidence level rises, and he becomes very alert and aware and almost comes off as "smug". His sarcastic tendencies surface and can be extremely stand-offish. As the control of the conversation shifts, Neil will very quietly pick and test the other person, feeling his way around their thought process. But again, he never engages it with malice. He is, quite simply, a very curious creature. I believe, however, that he very seriously needs to understand how to go about learning about someone, and that doing so is a two-way street. My advise is perhaps for Gino and Cindy enroll in some professional classes and convey the lessons to their child, who deeply needs love in some form or fashion. This is why he so easily calls mothers of other friends "Mom" instead of "Mrs. Muller", "Mrs. Maldanado", or "Mrs. Schula." He feels little to no emotional connection with his maternal mother. Conversations adhering to this subject were denied and avoided constantly. As were his romantic involvements or lack thereof.

"In conclusion, Neil is as complicated as he is simple. Complicated being his methods, simple being his intentions. I never picked up on a malicious or malevolent tone or phrase during our past 18 months of sessions with Neil. There seems to be a lot of emotion and positive energy inside of him. But he was never properly taught how to share it with others in society. I feel, as a professional, I have reached my limit with the patient in terms of responses and reacting. He has a grasp of my techniques and methods and deftly avoids questions and constantly appears bored with the program and myself. Perhaps another can aide him and his family further, but I can no longer. I wish Neil the best of luck and enjoyed working with him. May his genius never go to waste."

File -0098349

-Mrs. Sarchet, psychologist, 1998


[I went out to the front garage to get some bottled water and there was this box just above the Cadillac that said "Neil's". I never thought much of it 'cause like, usually it's toys from when I was a kid or some school work or report cards that I never want to see again. But I was bored and had nothing to do, so I climbed over and pulled it out. I found a manila folder with some records in it from when I had Mrs. Sarchet as a psychologist. Social services requested I do so when my mother and I got into a fight and she broke my collar bone and I broke her nose.]