To What It May Concern

I regret to inform the real world that I refuse to become bitter about society and all of it's meandering politicians. I will never base my mood and outlook of the day on gas prices and all the negativity the local news regurgitates from the television. I won't marginalize love and all of its peculiarities and power.

I will never forget what it was like to be a kid, fighting tooth and nail for self respect among other kids every day of my life and treasuring the friendship and laughs they gave me. I will never cast off a serious problem with a simple, "Life's unfair," and expect the world to side with me. And the older I get will not run parallel with how jaded I become with the fading beauty of life's infinite momentum forward, with or without me. Age will not temper my curiosity. If being angry at our world - human, animal, and nature alike - constitutes as being mature, then I refuse to grow up.

In short: I may add wrinkles, pounds and years, but my heart will always be young.

So give it your best shot, life. I won't trade hope for senility.

Regards,

-N.

Idiosyncrasies

•  Those soda’s you get from fast food places with those plastic lids? I always pop in every single one of those bubbles.

•  When I walk around college or work (or anywhere really), half the time I don’t hear conversations. Sometimes when people are speaking to another person, I hear two lyrics, back and forth. And I’ll hum their words in my head.

•  I read in the bathroom. Magazine, book, shampoo bottle, toothpaste ingredients, whatever. No input, no output.

•  A woman’s laugh is very important to me. You can tell a lot from it.

•  I leave the conditioner in my hair twice as long as I leave in the shampoo.

•  I still jump on my bed.

•  Math is not hard for me. But I still hate it with the passionate fire of a thousand suns.

"And this is why Eve ignored Adam for so long."

•  I often wonder if Jesus was good at sex. They say he was a "perfect being" but he never had sex with anyone. Ever. So I wonder. I mean, how good could a virgin guy be? Females don’t have to worry too much about experience either way: They’re always good. You’re not going to hear of a guy avoiding sex with a woman because it’s "bad". Even if it’s bad, it’s still damn good. She can just lay there and he won't complain. Women are the ones who constantly need sex to get better, more exciting. Guys have a lot to deal with when pleasing a woman.





•  For a talent show on a cruise to Australia, I sang the theme song for Gilligan's Island.

•  And I won.

•  I still think Michael Jackson was one of the most talented people to have ever lived.

•  I hate it when you feel like sneezing and then you don’t.

•  Once in a while, if I’m in a wide open area like a parking lot, I’ll start skipping.

•  Sometimes I like to finish solitaire on the computer all the way up to the last King and leave the computer running overnight and then finish it the next morning; just to see how low of a score I can get.

•  I put the heart and diamond piles to the right and the club and spade piles to the left.

•  I loathe my singing voice.

•  The night is the only time I can write.

•  I like to see how long it takes me to make a complete fist right when I wake up.

•  I like to try to remember the exact position I was in when I woke up. But I never can.

•  I like to watch Sesame Street at least once a month.

•  I drink the last of the milk straight out of the bowl.

•  I’m a mutt. I am eight different nationalities.

•  For every friend I know I have at least 10 songs that remind me of them.

•  You can tell my mood by listening to the song I play on my guitar when I’m alone.

•  I bite my bottom lip when I’m frustrated.

•  Sometimes I cough lightly when I never really had to.

•  I sing better at night.

•  I have severe stage fright.

•  I like writing songs about painful issues with a pop melody you can dance to.

•  I loved the movie Labyrinth, and had a crush on Jennifer Connelly when I was little.

•  I’ll never have the courage to go up to a girl and introduce myself.

•  Death doesn’t scare me. But tomorrow does.

•  I believe in God but wish I understood anything he did.

•  I believe in love but wish I understood anything it did.

•  The only way to get into a pool is to jump in. I can't walk in.

•  I never, ever, ever try new foods. I’ve never had a bagel or a strawberry. Or a Dorito. Or a salad. Or a cheeseburger. Or chili. Or any sandwich besides a peanut butter and jelly. I could go on but this is sad enough as it is.

* I have a hard time using sexual terms in general conversation. I use clever hand gestures.

* I love the physical aspect of playing football and the athleticism of basketball.

* I hate fighting.

* I am 48-3 in fights in my life.

* I will never start a fight.

* Sometimes I wonder if, when I get to Heaven, if God will have a movie made and edited about my life and all it’s key moments.

* I can moonwalk.

•  I thoroughly enjoy Shakespeare.

•  I miss Mr. Rogers.

•  I bite my nails. When someone tells me to stop and that it’s a bad habit, I lie and tell them I’m doing it for my guitar.

•  Whenever I didn’t good grades in school, my dad would always give me a stern lecture and scolding. On top of that, he’d always compare me to Mr. Abraham Lincoln. "Neil," he said. "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was walking twelve miles just to get to his school!" In the back of my mind, I always thought: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President!"

•  I wore a sheet with holes in it on Halloween one year and told everyone that I wasn’t a ghost, but a mattress.

•  I only sing in the car if all the windows are up.

•  I can be stubborn.

•  Yes I can.

•  Yes I can.

•  Yes I can.

•  Oh, yes I can.

• I am a perfectionist.

•  I tend to make lists about unimportant things.


- HKR

Women's feet are smaller so they can stand closer to the stove.

After a little trip to the mall this afternoon and a quick stroll through Hot Topic, I came back inspired. And I did a little research. His name is Todd Goldman, but I like to think of him as a T-shirt genius. Why? Well, because Todd Goldman is the "brains" behind a line of boy-bashing T-shirts emblazoned with the slogans like these:

"Boys Are Stupid. Throw Rocks at Them!" (The image on the shirt shows a bunch of rocks flying through the air toward a stick-figure boy's head.)

"Lobotomy - How to Train Boys."

"Boys Cheat ... Cut Off Their Feet" (The T-shirt shows a girl holding a bloody butcher knife while the footless boy "stands" in a pool of blood.)

"Boys Are Stupid - Run Them Over."

"Boys Are Smelly ... Kick Them in the Belly!" (The girl in this one, as you might imagine, is doing just what the T-shirt says.)

"Boys Make Good Pets, Everyone Should Own One."

"Stupid Factory - Where Boys Are Made."

I was watching an interview with Goldman and they asked him if he had an obligation to consider the impact of the products on young boys. "No," was his answer. In fact, when people raise objections to his boy-bashing T-shirts, it makes him laugh - all the way to the bank. "I couldn't pay for this press," he said.

You see, it's nothing personal. Just business.

The fact is that we live in a time when it's become okay to belittle not only men, but future men. Never mind that in almost every negative statistical category - from failure in school to suicide - boys today are in worse shape than girls, and the gap is only increasing. Feminism has made it okay for women - and a certain kind of man - to laugh at boys. Oh, but for a male to do the same would be a chauvinistic.

And these days there are all sorts of entrepreneurs out there cashing in on the boy-bashing craze. One of them is a guy named Jim Benton, an artist and children's author who puts his put-downs on all sorts of things you can buy, like stickers and notebooks and air fresheners and clothing and who knows what else. His main character is a happy bunny icon that says things like, "You suck big time," and "Hi, scumbag." But Jim also sells stuff that say, "Boys lie and kind of stink." You wonder if he'd do a line of girl-bashing shirts or stickers or air fresheners that say, "Little Girls Are Bitter And Confused And Grow Up To Be Angry Feminists"? Surely, you jest.

But maybe I'm taking this stuff too seriously. Maybe these T-shirts really are funny. Maybe they're so funny that Benton and Goldman should expand their product lines so they can make even more money. So here are a few suggestions, which I offer to them free of charge:

"Black People Are Stupid."

"Jews Are Smelly. Kick Them In Their Belly."

"Stupid Factory - Where Mexicans Are Made."

"Homos Make Good Pets, Everyone Should Own One."

Hilarious, don't ya think? And besides, it's nothing personal, just business.