Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Princess Pillow and the Story of How the Earth Was Created

Are you tucked in? 


Lights off?

"Just the one above my bed is on."



Okay. Close your eyes and just listen. Relax.


Once upon a time there was a princess named Pillow...

"Why Pillow?"

Because when the queen was giving birth she just looked at the closest thing to her and named her daughter that and she was very tired and stop interrupting my story go to sleep.

[laughs] "Okay."

Okay... Once upon a time there was a princess named Pillow. And she was very fat.

"Oh, God."

Hey, this will have feminist undertones, so you'll appreciate it. Close your eyes.

"Oh boy."

Now Pillow was a fat girl. And all the girls at her school told her that if she wanted to find a boy, she should be skinny and pretty like they are. But no matter how hard Pillow tried, she couldn't get skinny. So instead of being made fun of by everyone, she just went around ate all the pretty boys.

"This is ridiculous."

Look, do you want me to hang up and you can tell yourself a bedtime story? 'Cause you won't have my voice and this story is about to get awesome.

[laughs again] "No, no. Continue."

Alright. Close your eyes and relax. Just imagine what I'm saying.

"Who is going to do the drawings for this book of yours?"

Picasso will illustrate.

"And who will do the soundtrack? Hall and Oates?"

That's for people over the age of 45.


That's for people under the age of 15.

"But I like...


"Okay. Go on."

So Pillow just went around eating all the pretty boys and any girl who made fun of her. And all the halls and all the oats and every black-eyed peas in the world. All that was left was ugly boys, nice girls, and good music.This made her bigger and bigger and fatter and more swollen than ever before. 


That was just for you.

"I know."

Keep your eyes closed.

Now Pillow was so fat, that she didn't know what to do with herself. She was all alone, and all the skinny girls were telling her she should stop eating people. They told her that she should try to diet and exercise not because she would be prettier - she was already beautiful inside - but because it would make her healthier. And being healthy is always better. So Pillow decided it was time to start living right. She start dieting and running. She ran a mile in 40 minutes, then 20, then 14, and then she got it down to a 7 minute mile. Which is pretty good. But then one day she ran so much that at the end, she was so exhausted that she threw up. And she threw up all the pretty boys and mean girls all over again. 

"This isn't helping."

I'm making this up on the fly, here.

[chuckles] "I can tell."

So then the princess looked up at the narrator and said this premise is pretty fucking thin. 'I know,' replied the narrator. 'Then let's start wrapping this up and bringing it together somehow. I'm tired of being fat.' 'Alright, chill the fuck out. I got this,' said the narrator.

"I bet you do."

I do. Close your eyes.


By this time, since nice pretty girls don't exist, Pillow created a reality where boys actually had more choices than girls did in relationships. No longer could girls go around picking and choosing boys on a whim while leaving the ugly boys to wither away in a dive bar somewhere. But the universe couldn't handle such a dynamic. The thread of the space-time continuum were being shredded apart, all because Pillow had a weight and ego problem. 
So Pillow decided to just eat the entire world. Ugly boys, pretty boys, skinny girls, nice girls and all. She just ate the entire world. In one gulp. And soon, she was just floating in space. How did she survive? Well, she ate the atmosphere, too, which gave her enough oxygen to live on for a few hundred years. Which was just enough time she needed to flutter away to an alien planet.
At the alien planet, she was greeted by more girls. And they never made fun of her weight. But she noticed there were no boys. The girls pointed to the sky at another planet; a planet of all boys. On this planet, shit got done. Things got built. There were socks lying around everywhere, and entire holidays were dedicated to Call of Duty and Buffalo Wild Wings, but it functioned. It didn't smell as pretty as the girl planet, but it was less dramatic. 
Pillow knew what she had to do. With her last breath, she ate both the girl world and the boy world, swirled them together in her mouth, made one single planet, and spit it out into space. There, as she floated away, she saw a planet with boys and girls of all sizes, shapes, weights, heights, colors and beliefs, and they were all getting along. She cried seven big tears - which made seven great oceans. 
And as she floated away into the sun, she tried to name the planet. But her mouth was full of chocolate covered gummy bears and all that came out was, "Urf." And the people heard "Earth." And when she floated into the sun, she exploded.
 And that's where solar flares come from.

You awake?

[yawns] "Mmm... I love your voice."


"It's comforting. Makes me sleepy."

Yours, too.

"Goodnight, Red."

And the princess finally, mercifully, peacefully fell asleep.  
The end. 
Sweet dreams, Blue.


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