Sunday, October 16, 2011

Johnny's Depth


Pop quiz. The people chasing Jack Sparrow in the above picture are:

    A.) Native cannibal islanders who believe Jack is a god.
    B.) About 700 cast members who will also be a pirate and/or plot lines in the next movie.
    C.) Members of the ancient "Scissorhand" samurai tribe.       

Answer: D.) People wanting their $15 and 3 hours of their life back.

Okay, so I watched 'Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest' for the first time since it was in theaters back in 2006. Now don't wanna spoil it for anybody who might not have seen it yet (all two of you) so I'll just tell you this one little thing, just to give you some context.

It's actually a horrible movie.

I went and did the research on how they came up with the structure of the movie, and the best I can tell is, they loaded about four or five different screenplays into a shotgun and just pulled the trigger. And then they just sent somebody, like a PA, to crawl around, pick up random words and piece them together and then handed that to the actors. And then even that script was lost about halfway through shooting, so the director just made up something everyday. It was just like, "Um, and then today... this person shows up and... they're a pirate, too now."

The other thing about this movie is, EVERYBODY WAS A PIRATE. Just, everybody. If you were in the first movie and you weren't a pirate, you're now a pirate in this movie. Everybody gets to be a pirate. It was ridiculous how many pirates there were. Some of them were fish pirates, some of them had always been a pirate, then some of them were half-dead pirates, some of them were full-dead pirates, some of them were just pretending to be pirates...

The only thing to which there were more of than pirates in this movie are plot lines. Everybody gets a plot line in this movie. If you're a dog, you get a plot line. If you're a ship, oh, you definitely get a plot line. All the ships get a good plot line. Um, the ocean gets a plot line. If you're just a single body part, a lot of times you get your own plot line. Like if you're just an eye or a heart or something, you get a whole story. But they don't finish any of them. They think about it... but then they just keep adding more plot lines. Like, literally, the last line of the movie is a new plot line. It's a never-ending story. But with no Luck Dragons.

One other overall note about the movie that I thought was very interesting was that the entire cast - with the exception of Kiera Knightley - were women. And I thought that was a bold choice. All the pirates you could tell were chicks, because of all the heavy feminine eye make up and long-haired wigs. And if you don't know who Kiera Knightley is, she's kind of a slightly more man-ish version of Orlando Bloom.

And the direction... uh, I don't know if there actually was a director? But I'm told a name came up at the credits and it said Gore Verbinski. And I'll tell you this much: it could have used a lot more gore and a lot less "Verbinski" (which i think is Russian for, "bad dialogue").

The big thing they're fighting this time is this Kraken that nobody can beat. A Kraken. Trust me, I have fought a Kraken. It's not that hard, really. If this movie was called 'Samurai of the Caribbean', samurai wouldn't just amble around doing bad Keith Richards impersonations. They'd get the job done. If there's a chest, it doesn't matter if there's a dead man in it, a dead man on it, or if it IS a dead man. They're gonna get the chest and get it back. ' Samurai of the Caribbean' would be a great movie. And by the way, there's this alleged "pirate code"? I don't think it exists because they always go against it. Honest. There's no honor amongst pirates. Johnny Depp actually slams Orlando Blooms face in with a rowing oar. A rowing oar! Who does that?

Actually, come to think of it, that was pretty cool. Ctrl + C on that one.

Here's my advice to you regarding this movie: Save your money. Just, just dress up like a clown, jump into a giant aquarium, and sing the lyrics to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benetar. Backwards. At least that would make more sense than Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

Wait a minute, there wasn't even a dead man in the movie...

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