Friday, August 26, 2011

30 Guy Facts

One of my female friends said I write about girls a lot and that I rarely ever talk about guys. I reminded her that I'm straight and I'm much more interested in females and their psychologies and philosophies than males, since I'm a guy myself and I already understand the facts on how we work. She said I should share those facts. "Sure, why not," I thought. So here's some stuff you girls should know about your normal guy:
• As much as you may want to talk about past relationships, zip the lip. When you tell a guy you are still good friends with an ex, that translates to, "We still hook up occasionally." Whether it's true or not, it runs through our heads.

• Always wait to hear how many people he's slept with before you reveal your numbers. Anything above 7 is generally considered slutty, and anything below 3 is generally considered a lie.

Working on a car...
...and secretly playing World of Warcraft.
• Every guy has one "dorky" hobby; some guys play video games like Halo, others build paper airplanes or work on their cars. While you may be desperate to change them, let them have this one thing and you can keep yours. It'll keep everyone sane.

• Guys like it when it's bare. You know where.

• We don't like your drunken alter ego. If he's really nice he will hold your hair back while you puke, but you're still The Girl Who Puked.

• Never walk into the bathroom without knocking first; there are some things that guys just don't want you to see (or smell). If they're in there for more then 10 minutes, you should wait about 20 before you walk through that door.

• Unless it's jeopardizing your relationship and involves large sums of money or violence, don't criticize a friend of your man unless he brings it up first.

• Try not to go through our shit. But you will anyway, so once you do, don't tell us.

• Guys like compliments too. If you tell us you like our shirt, we will actually remember and wear that shirt again.

• Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
• Stop saying we're complicated. We do simple things - both sweet and stupid - for simple reasons. It virtually always boils down to us being either a.) hungry b.) horny c.) bored, or d.) seriously, we just forgot. It's not that we don't care. We just... forgot. We don't want you mad at us anymore than you want your period. And we don't want that, either.
"But I spent years trying to change you.
Why aren't you the man I once knew?"
• Men don't like to talk face to face as much as women do. Especially if you're arguing or bringing up a sensitive subject. Wanna make things easier? Sit next to him (and not in front of him where guys are subconsciously confrontational) when discussing an important matter. 

• Unusual spots for sex turn us on. Men like to get out of the bedroom. They'd like you to offer up your bathroom, your kitchen, and other unusual spots for a special afternoon of love-making. There's nothing like sex in the afternoon. And when it comes to fantasies, they're more than happy to play along with yours, and they love for you to indulge theirs. Another guy request: They want to talk to you about sex, openly and candidly. Think of it as giving him updates. The way ESPN does. 

• Just like knuckles, some guys can "crack" their penis. Just ask 'em. 

• Yes there are nice guys out there. And yes, it pisses us off when you girls say we don't exist.

• Both genders have their insecurities. Whether it's true or not, just tell him he has the biggest penis you've had. Hey: We always say you're the most beautiful, right?

• Guys who like girls that are into religion do so because it gives them something to believe in - and something to scream during sex. Corruption can be a sexy challenge. 

• They don't want to hear about your period. Period. 

• Sometimes sports take priority over sex. Especially during playoffs. Before you and your fragile ego get hurt, how often would you rather be doing something else instead of sex? Bingo.

• If your guy's Facebook or online status says "single", he is not your boyfriend.

At least, not a good one.
• A guy will silence your calls when he is a.) At a sporting event, b.) At the bar, c.) He's pissed at you, or d.) Hooking up with another girl. And yes, sometimes c and d can go together. 

• If a guy seems into you but doesn't act on it, one of his friends wants you.

• Some guys pee sitting down. 

• They like getting head more than giving it. ALWAYS. 

• If a guy you like asks you to hang out, it's okay to bring a friend the first time - from then on, save the sidekick for parties and other social events. 

• If a guy has small hands or feet, don't comment on it unless you're prepared for an awkward situation. 

• If you approach it the right way, you can get any guy to watch Sex and the City with you. 

• We look at porn on the internet. Yes, we do. 

Seriously. Yes we do.

• If they smell like pot, they've probably been smoking. If they smell like booze, they've probably been drinking. Put your interrogation flashlight away.

• He secretly thinks at least one of your friends are hot.

And you secretly know which one it is.


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