Monday, May 16, 2011

Science, mustard, Boy Scouts, and the chinese.

• The women of the Food Network have to stop faking orgasms when they taste their food. Half of that programming consists of cute, spunky women putting things in their mouth and giving us their "O" face. Which is why I can recite 23 different pasta recipes from memory - and I don't even cook. Rachael Ray makes a 30-minute meal, and I'm the one that's "finished in 15".

Yeah you are.
• When scientists find a new planet that's just like Earth, they have to give it a better name than G-Liese 581. It sounds like an alias in a chat room. Are we supposed to explore it or think it's a horny teenager? I don't wanna go to its fucking galaxy looking for sex only to end up on "Dateline."

• Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I'm an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

• Blind people can't go hunting. Should I even have to even say this? Texas just passed a bill permitting blind people to use laser sights so they can hunt with a friend who tells them where to aim. Why not just pick up Duck Hunt on Nintendo Wii and play forest animal sounds on a CD? Or, better yet, just let the blind guy shoot your gun, and tell him, "Wow, you got one!"

• If you see the word "Compact" on a parking space, it's not a verb. It doesn't mean take your SUV and compact it in here.

•  Advertisers have to find some other way to show that old people are active than just playing tennis. It doesn't matter if it's dentures, laxatives or a funeral home, if old people need it, the ad shows them playing tennis. Dude, if old people really played this much tennis, they'd knock their teeth out, crap themselves and die regardless.

• The news has to stop coming to a screeching halt every time a Boy Scout gets lost in the woods. And when someone inevitably says, "Oh, there he is," you don't need to bring in the experts and the distant relatives to discuss the topic, "Oh, there he is." Besides, if you can't find your own way out of the woods, what kind of Boy Scout are you?

A misfortune cookie.
• Ex-New Yorkers have to stop bitching about how there's no good pizza in L.A. You're a junior agent at William Morris, not Joe Pesci. People in L.A. don't care about pizza because, unlike New Yorkers, after we pay rent, we have money left over to buy real food.

• The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast. There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in. I'll make you a deal. You tell me why you're not open for breakfast, and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway.

• Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored. Because, you know, who could make out what was happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope film? This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is a retarded scam.

By the way, on Hyperkinetic Renaissance: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, is now available in paperback.

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