Thursday, March 24, 2011

Unstoppable (But Avoidable)

"Earlier today, a dump truck going 16mph was accidentally hit by a train. No one on board was killed, but the two drivers of the truck are in critical condition..."

Um, are you kidding me? I mean, are you serious? How in the hell does anyone get "accidentally" hit by a train? On purpose I can understand. On purpose, I can understand anything happening; after all, you went out of your way to make sure it happens. But a train? On accident?

Here's my argument: Trains don't exactly sneak up on you. It's not like they jump out from behind the thicket bushes and pounce on you, then pummel you into the ground with their cow-catcher bumper, swing their smokestack like a Louisville bat and warn you to stay off their turf.

"Does this still count as a carpool lane?"
And here's the cool part about train wrecks that I enjoy, because it's one of the few things in life that is absolutely black and white; There is no gray area. And here it is: If you get hit by a train, you deserve it. 'Cause if it's on purpose, you deserve it. If not on purpose, then you're a slow-ass blind and deaf person who can't cover 5 feet of asphalt in the 60 seconds you see the six-hundred blinking red lights all around you and a huge 7,500 ton vehicle coming half a mile away from your right at a whopping 15 miles an hour. And that also mean you can't hear the ringing bells or the train itself blowing it's horn several times essentially saying, "Excuse me? I'm arriving soon. Eventually. Aaaaaand if you get hit by me, you pretty much fucking deserve it. I mean, I really can't turn here. I'm on a goddamn TRACK. You know where I can come from 24 hours day."

That's another thing. You see the tracks, man. They're not hidden or covered over or camouflaged with secret CIA transparent technology. You see them. They're massive. And there's a bunch of warnings and lights and sounds around every one. I bet if lions and hyenas hunted on strict, specified tracks in the African plains, even the fucking gazelle would, y'know, stay the fuck away. You wouldn't see them taunting the hyenas or quicklytryingtosprintacross as the hyenas rolled by on their little hyena roller skates snapping their jaws. No, you would see the lions and shit die from starvation. 'Cause even dumb animals know when and how to avoid stupid shit that kills them. Maybe that's why trains are still around. They feed off of dumbasses.

In closing, I'd like to finish this PSA with a translation for every train horn in existence:

"I can't make a U-turn if I see you walking in front of me. I'm not a car. Does the side of this say Volvo? No, it says Santa Fe, bitch. So, y'know, HOOOOOOONK!!! Get the fuck outta the way."

That's... that's basically what they're trying to say. I know this because I speak train. I'm fluent in Locomo.

But I still won't walk near any bushes. Me and the gazelles know what's up.




Thank you.

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