Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Reality TV ≠ Reality

First host: Serious business.
Does anyone watch that show "Cheaters"? I remember when the host was some dude with brillo hair who was balding, but now it's this sleek Kung Fu dude. Either way, the show should be on prime time and everyone should watch it. It's fucking awesome. I think if everyone watched it then everyone would start being a little afraid of cheating and, well, that's good.

Second host: Serious about faxing shit.
If you've never seen it, I'll fill you in: Some people call up the show and tell them how suspicious they are of their significant other. The show sends out a team of investigators and follows the significant other around using night vision and tapes and camera and catches them cheating with another person. Then a week or so later, after they've gathered enough evidence, they report back to the person who called them and show them footage. They tell the person that they know where their cheating spouse is, that they're with the 3rd person at that moment and if they want to confront them. Of course, they do (who wouldn't?). And the spring and confrontation is all over national television. That's what the cheaters get. Fucking assholes and bitches. *laughs* A lot of times they try to run away from the camera but the team like, surrounds them and makes them talk to the other person they cheated on. It's fucking great. This is real punishment. None of this breaking up or giving stuff back crap. Just pure, well-deserved national embarrassment; That's what you get. Assholes.

On the other side of the quality-television spectrum, we have ElimiDATE. This show is a thousand times worse than Jerry Springer. At least you know Jerry Springer is fake and you can enjoy it. And at the end, Jerry gives an actual thoughtful and good-natured monologue about life. For instance, here's a clip for the Final Thought at the end of an episode called, "I'm Pregnant By A Giant Transsexual":


The premise of the episode is obviously insane - like the show itself - but at least Springer always takes the time to break down the nonsense morally and tell us all how it is and what we can learn from it.

But ElimiDATE is, sadly, 100% real, meaning all those macho guys who think they're the shit and all those snobby sluts with way too much make up actually act and think that way. It's a sad representation of what dating is like. More than anything, I hate the buffed up, spiky hair, too much of a tan douche bags asking questions like, "So how do you ladies kiss a guy? I mean, I'm just askin'..." and then he looks around with a smile and the women (who, by the way, almost NEVER have attractive faces - what's with that?) pull some oh-so-clever line like, "Well how 'bout I show you..." and she walks over and kisses him. But the kiss is never a comfortable, actual kiss! It's always so fucking awkward looking! And then, of course, the other two girls line up and playfully push her aside and kiss him, too. It's like, are you girls this retarded? Are you actually turned on by this guy? Do you really want to kiss him? Or do you want to kiss him just because the OTHER girl did first?

Same goes when there's three guys and one girl. Two of the guys always gang up start picking on the weaker guy. And if the weaker guys starts firing insults back, they all looks retarded and 8th grade. And by the time it gets down to two, that's when the three of them "hit the dance floor" where, for some reason, there's always one guy who can dance well and one guys who looks like he's having a seizure but swallowing his foam for 3 minutes. And why do guys always flick up their collar when they start grinding close to the girl? You're not slick, you're not cool, you're not Elvis, and you're not getting any after the cameras stop rolling.

Pure. Class.
And that's the thing. The dumbass guys always pick the sluts. And the stuck up snobs chicks always pick the dipshit bully. You think anything happens when they stop filming? Idoits. They chose you to win the game, not because they wanted you. My ex-girlfriend went on one of those reality dating shows. After they chose the winning guy and they made her and him walk into a sunset for the final shot, she went home, he called her cell and she politely declined. That was that. It's gay. People who watch ElimiDATE can't watch it for the quality or for dating tips (dear God, I hope not). They watch it for the same reason we watch 50 cars zoom around a concrete circle for 5 hours at NASCAR: For the spectacular wrecks and head-on collisions. It's funny to watch an absolute prick make a fool of himself and for two girls with high-pitched voices yip and yap over an asshole as if they had much character to defend in the first place.

Fuck that. Fuuuuuuuuck that. Put on a show where there's a point to it. Like Cheaters. And air it right before Desperate Housewives or 60 Minutes or CSI: Miami - y'know, when everyone's watching TV. Hell, better yet, just splice together all of Jerry Springer's "Final Thought" monologues, paste them end-to-end, and just make a show called, "Watch This Show If You're Fucking Stupid".

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