Sunday, March 13, 2011

Guy Facts

• Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

• Stop saying we're complicated. We do simple things - both sweet and stupid - for simple reasons. It virtually always boils down to us being either:
a.) hungry
b.) horny
c.) bored, or
d.) seriously, we just forgot. It's not that we don't care. We just...forgot. We don't want you mad at us anymore than you want your period. And we don't want that, either.

• Men don't like to talk face to face as much as women do. Especially if you're arguing or bringing up a sensitive subject. Wanna make things easier? Sit next to him - and not in front of him where it's subconsciously confrontational - when discussing an important matter.

• Unusual spots for sex turn us on. Men like to get out of the bedroom. They'd like you to offer up your bathroom, your kitchen, and other unusual spots for a special afternoon of love-making. There's nothing like sex in the afternoon. And when it comes to fantasies, they're more than happy to play along with yours, and they love for you to indulge theirs. Another guy request: They want to talk to you about sex, openly and candidly. Think of it as giving him updates. The way ESPN does.

• Just like knuckles, some guys can "crack" their penis. Just ask 'em.

• Yes, there are nice guys out there. And yes, it pisses us off when you girls say we don't exist.

• Both genders have their insecurities. Whether it's true or not, just tell him he has the biggest penis you've had. Hey: He always says you're the most beautiful, right?

• Guys who like girls who are into religion do so because it gives them something to believe in - and something to scream during sex. Corruption can be a sexy challenge.

• They don't want to hear about your period. Period.

• Sometimes sports take priority over sex. Especially during playoffs.

• If your guy's Facebook or online status says "single", he is not your boyfriend.

• At least, not a good one.

• A guy will silence your calls when he is
a.) At a sporting event,
b.) At the bar,
c.) He's pissed at you, or
d.) Hooking up with another girl.
 And yes, sometimes c and d can go together.

• If a guy seems into you but doesn't act on it, one of his friends wants you.

• They like getting head more than giving it. ALWAYS.

• If a guy you like asks you to hang out, it's okay to bring a friend the first time - from then on, save the sidekick for parties and other social events.

• If a guy has small hands or feet, don't comment on it unless you're prepared for an awkward situation.

• If they smell like pot, they've probably been smoking. If they smell like booze, they've probably been drinking. Put your interrogation flashlight away.

• Guys like compliments too. If you tell them you like their shirt, chances are they will remember and wear that shirt again.

• Try not to go through their shit. But you will, so once you do, don't tell them.

• If you haven't heard the expression before, it goes something like this: "Bros before hoes." Don't criticize a friend of your man unless he brings it up first.

• They don't like your drunken alter ego. If he's really nice he will hold your hair back while you puke, but you're still The Girl Who Puked.

• Every guy has one "dorky" hobby; some guys play video games like Halo, others build paper airplanes or work on their cars. While you may be desperate to change them, let them have this one thing and you can keep yours. It'll keep everyone sane.

• Always wait to hear how many people he's slept with before you reveal your numbers. Anything above 10 is generally considered slutty, and anything below 3 is generally considered a lie.

• As much as you want to talk about past relationships, zip the lip. When you tell a guy you are still good friends with an ex, that translates to, "we still hook up occasionally." Whether it's true or not, it runs through our heads.

• He secretly thinks at least one of your friends are hot.

• And you secretly know which one it is.

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