Saturday, February 19, 2011

"Dipshit, aisle three..."

[SETTING: In line at the grocery store...

I'm in the Express Checkout - 15 item or less - with my shredded cheese, Apple Jacks, and oranges. Behind me, in order, is an elderly lady, a man in a leather jacket and green shirt, and a mom and her kid who looks about 14. And... action.]


Man: Excuse me lady, you're not supposed to be in this line.

Lady: Um, what?

Man: The fuck you mean, "What?" Lady, you have sixteen items. Take a look at your basket for Christ's sakes.

Lady: But... I always get these and they always let me buy my things here.

Man: Lady, I don't care about your cat. It says 15 things. It's crap like this that slows people like me down.

Me: [looks back]

Lady: Well I've never had trouble before. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

Man: I don't want to hear a sorry. I don't care. But I would appreciate it if you got the shit out of this line.

Woman with kid: Sir, maybe you could just let it go this one time...

Man: Was I talking to you? Don't say anything until I'm looking at your face. I have my shit here. Look at this: ten things. I'm following rules. This half dead---

Me: [to the old lady] Do you want to go ahead of me?

Lady: [quietly] Thank you...

Man: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??

[checkout kid gets on the phone]

Me: Sir, was I talking to you? Don't say anything until I'm looking at your face.

Man: Then look at my face.

Me: [turns around] Do you have a problem? There's still two people in front of you. Please just shut up and just stand in line for fuck's sake. You're annoying everyone. Please.

Man: This old bitch is breaking the rules!

Me: Fine! [grabs a stack of Enquirer magazines] ...thirteen...fourteen... I've got seventeen items here. Twenty if you count each orange here. You gonna say something to me? I'm lookin' at your face now.

Man: [looks around and smiles] Fuck... man... this ain't about you.

Me: I think it is if I'm breaking the rules and you're apparently the Albertson's Enforcer of Justice on duty.

[people in line laugh]

Man: Man, whatever... [walks away to line 13, at the other end of the store] [from across the store, points] THAT'S BULLSHIT OVER THERE!

Me: WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT 50 FEET AWAY???

[more people laugh]


What the fuck was his problem? The lady had like, cream of mushroom, some toilet paper, and eight or so cans of cat food. Which, for multiple items, all the checkout person does is scan one of the cans and then multiplies them by that number. So in all actuality, she had about 5 items; Less than he had. I also think that if you have to actually count to make an argument like that, then it's rendered moot to begin with. (And why do bullies always walk away when challenged?) Anyway, in the end I put the magazines back in the rack and the old lady bought me a pack of gum to thank me. Which I gave to the kid with his mom behind me.

Moral Of The Story:
Don't get in between me and my Apple Jacks.

2 comments:

Ken said...

That's at least the second time I've read about your escapades in the express line of Albertsons. I'm seriously glad I don't run into those kind of situations. I'd call the guy out, he'd probably tell me something that would require me to think, I would try for 5 seconds, and then (realizing it's impossible) try to bonk the guy on the head with his shopping cart. If I can throw a desk at a substitute teacher, I can throw a shopping cart at an complete jerk. But I like your way better. 8)

Richard said...

I know what I'm getting Neil for all gift giving holidays. Fuck it. Maybe even here and there on normal days to. I mean really. Who am I to make the other days feel left out. What kind of person would I be to say be like "Hey. Other days. What the fuck. You're just lallygaggin around while days like christmas and thanksgiving are hard at work! The fuck are you doing! Stop sitting around like you have a right to be here when you're not doing shit!" I'll tell you what kind of person I'd be. A bad person. So now, I declare 2/19 national AJFN Day or, "Apple Jacks for Neil" day.