Saturday, February 12, 2011

AARP Brothel

When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God; It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts, and the good people at Viagra. Here in SoCal, a 62-year old woman - with eleven children, twenty grandchildren, and three great grandchildren - gave birth - AGAIN - to, well, pretty much a 40 year old man who basically walked out of her vagina. At an age where most women her age are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammy's, Janice Wolf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something there's going to be naysayers." At which point the reporters probably had to wave their hands and yell, "HEY! WE'RE OVER HERE!"

And lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary: You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids!? You're either Catholic or a fuckin' hamster. Look, I don't wanna be the one to say this lady is too old and she's already had enough children, but ... this lady is too old and she's already had enough children.

When the doctors told her to "push", this happened.
Hey, when you're 62 and you want to have children you have two choices:

A.) In vetro fertilization.
B.) Lure them into a house made of gingerbread and candy.

But in vetro fertilization is not for 62-year old grandmothers. It's for 35-year old lesbians. I know a little about this subject because I recently patented a vibrating turkey baster "ribbed for her pleasure". (And, to everyone who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.) I wouldn't make such a big deal about it but it turns out Mrs. Wolf isn't the first over-60-year old to have a baby in the last decade. There is a virtual epidemic of Granny-Sluts who insist on squeezing out children who, when they get older, will face many uncomfortable moments, like when it's "Parents Day" at school and the kid shows up with an urn.

Why is creating life under any conditions whatsoever so applauded when there are already millions of unwanted kids around the world? C'mon, Angelina Jolie can't save them all. In fact, somebody has gotta tell this chick that sometimes, when you go to a foreign country, it's okay to bring home just a T-shirt.

It's not a crime to be an old lady, is it? In fact, one of the great things about it is that when you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant! It's like, being gay. But not as "cool". So don't think of it as being barren.

Think of it as being, "Broke Hip Mount".

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